Sunday, June 28, 2009

One hand on getting a grip.

In my last post, I spent a good amount of e-ink on a self pity. I bemoaned the use of this blog for being anything more than a narcissistic attempt for attention. For this I am greatly embarrassed. I sounded like a whiner and under normal conditions I would just have those feelings and not express them in a public way, as eventually those feelings do pass and I come around again.
And that has happened. I'm not as mopey as I was, my depression passed and I've resolved my infidelity issues inworld. At least for the time being. I do think that, embarrassment aside, I have gained something from my little pity party. I appreciate the responses from that last post, from Rammy and Spanki, and I believe what I must do is try to FIX those things that are causing my such duress.
Oh boy. Fix them? That's like trying to eat a dinosaur with a taste spoon. I can't even identify all the problems I have, much less apply a solution to them.
But, really, that's why I subtitled my blog "Getting a Grip" (well, that and it worked pretty good with the Slippery Eel title.) It's to try to work out some problems I have and secondarily to chronicle my experiences in SL. I'm not hard-nosed about the mission of the blog, as I tend to ramble from subject to subject and sometimes I lose my way. But I do find that with that technique, one runs across some gems that otherwise would have been overlooked. It's not like I'm being paid to do this.
SL offers me a grand opportunity to explore some corners of my soul that I would not have attempted in RL where my name is my honor and my honor is held by me under lock and key. There are certain things I would not do in RL that I really must do, such as coming out of the closet, and accepting my geekness as a strength rather than as a liability. In RL, I live a rather ordinary life, I think, but in SL, I can attempt anything if I put my mind to it. I sense a worry though, in that I am starting to see a crystallization of my being "Leigh Eel" as a testimony for the actions I do in SL, and I'm losing some of the freedoms of association that I had when I began my SL quest. This is probably the main reason why I had the urge to clear my friends list, as associations mean preconceptions, and I worry that I will lose the impetus to grow as a real person if I must carry the baggage of a second identity along with the first one. I won't clear my friends list. I did that once, and I regretted it. In fact, there is one person whom I did clear and haven't refriended and often I wonder if I have hurt that person. Perhaps I should contact him.

As I've grown on SL, I have discovered a great number of wonderous things, and I have branched out in my ways of discovery. Following blogs is one example of this. I started out following a couple, personal blogs, and then I started examining other blogs that my friends had been following, and some of them were very very interesting. One extraordinary blog is Bettina Tizzy's Not Possible in Real Life. If you are familiar with NPIRL, I don't have to explain it, if you are not familiar with it, I cannot explain it, check it out for yourself (link is on this page).
This is a prime example of the paradox of my feelings towards other people. I am constantly amazed at the possibilities that other people have strived and achieved, and thus I have deep admiration for those who do achieve. On the other hand, it distresses me that I do not strive to do the most I can for myself. Her latest blog entry that I read was focused on Flea Bussy and Grendel's Children (which I totally recommend as well) I read that entry and became saddened for myself, because I have not achieved a similar SL success. After almost two years, I'm still bumbling about not having learned scripting, animations, or even uploading sounds. I will say that I do have strength in building, but what good is a tuba if you can't play it? And how does it benefit me if I have no idea how to sell it? So I hear about those who have marvelous successes and I tinge with jealousy, because I COULD be doing that, but instead I simply don't. I still like seeing the wonders that are available, but am I only about experiencing things? I don't want to be. I want to leave a legacy, and I feel that I am not

Oh hell, another long entry, and I still have mountains to say. Will have to save it for another time.


Rammy said...

damn! you folks from the mid-west are so down to earth about stuff. I love it. Even when it is internal. It reminds me of fixing a car that is not running correctly. Even if the car is the mind.

Bettina Tizzy said...

Aw, wow, thank you, Leigh. I'm really really touched that you like my blog so much. Keep it up with your own! It looks great, too.