Thursday, March 11, 2010


Haven't been blogging much lately. Last one was in late January. None in February. Now we're well into March. Well, a while ago this would have bothered me, but it doesn't anymore. I've been busy, no bones about it. If you read my last blog (and can remember it), you'd know that I have been going through some changes in my little world. Have these changes settled now, and that's why I'm writing? Not really. It seems the only constant is change as someone well-known once said (sorry folks, not checking references on this blog. You want to know who said it, google it yourself)

It's not fun change for me. It's very difficult. It's like a snake shedding his skin. Very painful and irriating. Supposedly it will feel better once I'm done shedding, but I have not that kind of foresight.

I'm trying to hold onto my core, of what makes me me, of identifying what makes me happy or confident or positive, but that is difficult to do as well, sice those factors seem to be shifting as well. I used to love art, for example. I could name and date hundreds of different paintings, by title and by artist, by year and movement, by influences and successors, purpose, reason, necessity, contribution. I would sit and stare at one painting for hours at a time, transfixed and in bliss, over and over and over again.

Now, I imagine it, and think "meh". Its importance is lost on me. I cannot feel passion for the things I used to. But I really wish I did. It's almost paradoxical in that I really really really really really want to feel passion.

It's tied to joy, I know it. and joy is something else I feel I'm missing. No joy, no zest.

Ok, sounds like another downer post, right? Well, the weird part is that I don't really feel down. I'm not upset or depressed, which is good, I think. It feels that this is the right direction, like it's destined or something. and maybe it is. Despite this lack of passion, I'm actually pretty chipper most of the time. The trivial day-today stuff really doesn't get me down. I can have a crappy day at work or at homje, but after a few days, something goes right, and the crappiness passes. It's the long-haul stuff that usually gets at me. Some people have called it "mid-life crisis", and honestly, it does kinda look like that. Well, mid-life crisis sucks, but so does just about every stage of life as we're going through it.

I'm not an advocate of pre-destiny, nor am I an opponant to it. It might happen, pre-destiny, that is. How the hell am I supposed to know? What I do know about destiny is this: Things happen all the time. And those things that happen are effects of causes. What I do now will affect my future. What I did yesterday affects my today. And unless everything were to stop and never to start again, something will happen next. It's guaranteed. And that thing that will happen next was caused by something. It had to have been. Nothing just doesn't happen, without a context. And so it was destined to happen from previous actions, thus was pre-destined. Just because I don't know what is to happen doesn't mean it won't.

Ok, that's your prattle for the month. Enjoy it :)