I feel like I ought to be blogging more. There seems to be a lot of flury lately and one good way for me is to write it down. Keeps a good record of what's going on and where I am at at a particuler time. Right now I feel like a tornado is right above me, trying to pull all aspects of my life away and spread my belongings and the things I desire and treasure asunder. To try to make it to the cellar door before the very foundation is pulled away.
But is that bad?
It's certainly one of the ways of the Tao, isn't it? When I was a younger man (omg, did I just say that????!!!) I used to know quite a bit of the teachings of Lao Tzu and others. Does anyone remember Benjamin Hoff's Tao of Pooh? I used to have a mental rolodex of popular and tried koans to help me along my journey. Yes, I did believe in the journey. I still do, but now I understand that the journey was not the romantic Don Juan type in which everyone will discover their inner magic by learning from a Mexican shaman in the desert after eating all that peyote. The journey is truly unique to each person, and I believe since it's one's own journey, one should approach it on one's own terms. You can call it a miracle, you could call it a coincidence, you can call it animism, or magic (with or without the "k"), you could call it Allah's will or The Force. There is practically a whole Dr. Suess book of names you can call your God. and you could capitalize the "G" because it's a proper noun, or you could give it a little "g" because it's a common noun, or you could put it in full caps, GOD, so that everyone in the back can hear it. You could stamp it on a coin to help you remember, or have the US Treasury do that for you.
Now, not so many koans. What is the sound of one had clapping when your country is under siege? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to use it, is it still potential fuel? how many angels can dance on the hole in a pipeline? When the hell will Sarah Palin's star fade? (Ok, that's a personal digression, must focus on task at hand) I'm older now, and I've asked fewer questions about "why" and have focused many questions on "how" How do you change the oil? How do you get a 2x4 board level? and, I think the most useless of all: How am I doing?
When perhaps I should be asking Why am I doing? To what end will my efforts bear fruit? A happier me? a more fulfilled sense of self and self of place? that cool rad tattoo and someone to tell its story to? a hole 6 foot under? All these are pleasant to think about, about rich rewards and a comfortable retirement, but once you achieve the ultimate goal what do you do next?
Ad nauseum into the aether of self-reflection. The questions will never stop piling up, it seems, and perhaps that tornado feeling I previously expressed are Mother Nature's (for those of you in the back, I said MOTHER NATURE) way of using my subconsicious to tell me to get rid of that stuff, that these are not the things I need to continue on my journey. or maybe I secretly like to shoot myself in the foot, to gain disadvantage so I can have a crutch to blame. But I don't like that one, it puts too much of the responsibility and accountability on me, that it is my own shortcomings that cause my failure and downfall. After all, without my shortcomings, wouldn't I be perfect? Of course I would be. :)
Once I have become perfect, things will be just posh.
Until then, I trudge along, on my journey, meeting Mexican shamen and discovering the addiction of facebook, and not doing the windows, what to do with the damn dog that ripped the siding off the house, and deciding the fate of my work, and figuring out how I and my wife can be fair to the kids, and still be able to to smell a rose now and again.
I'm hoping that the journey has some redeeming qualities, and by redeeming, I mean... well, I' sure you know what I mean.