Haven't been blogging much lately. Last one was in late January. None in February. Now we're well into March. Well, a while ago this would have bothered me, but it doesn't anymore. I've been busy, no bones about it. If you read my last blog (and can remember it), you'd know that I have been going through some changes in my little world. Have these changes settled now, and that's why I'm writing? Not really. It seems the only constant is change as someone well-known once said (sorry folks, not checking references on this blog. You want to know who said it, google it yourself)
It's not fun change for me. It's very difficult. It's like a snake shedding his skin. Very painful and irriating. Supposedly it will feel better once I'm done shedding, but I have not that kind of foresight.
I'm trying to hold onto my core, of what makes me me, of identifying what makes me happy or confident or positive, but that is difficult to do as well, sice those factors seem to be shifting as well. I used to love art, for example. I could name and date hundreds of different paintings, by title and by artist, by year and movement, by influences and successors, purpose, reason, necessity, contribution. I would sit and stare at one painting for hours at a time, transfixed and in bliss, over and over and over again.
Now, I imagine it, and think "meh". Its importance is lost on me. I cannot feel passion for the things I used to. But I really wish I did. It's almost paradoxical in that I really really really really really want to feel passion.
It's tied to joy, I know it. and joy is something else I feel I'm missing. No joy, no zest.
Ok, sounds like another downer post, right? Well, the weird part is that I don't really feel down. I'm not upset or depressed, which is good, I think. It feels that this is the right direction, like it's destined or something. and maybe it is. Despite this lack of passion, I'm actually pretty chipper most of the time. The trivial day-today stuff really doesn't get me down. I can have a crappy day at work or at homje, but after a few days, something goes right, and the crappiness passes. It's the long-haul stuff that usually gets at me. Some people have called it "mid-life crisis", and honestly, it does kinda look like that. Well, mid-life crisis sucks, but so does just about every stage of life as we're going through it.
I'm not an advocate of pre-destiny, nor am I an opponant to it. It might happen, pre-destiny, that is. How the hell am I supposed to know? What I do know about destiny is this: Things happen all the time. And those things that happen are effects of causes. What I do now will affect my future. What I did yesterday affects my today. And unless everything were to stop and never to start again, something will happen next. It's guaranteed. And that thing that will happen next was caused by something. It had to have been. Nothing just doesn't happen, without a context. And so it was destined to happen from previous actions, thus was pre-destined. Just because I don't know what is to happen doesn't mean it won't.
Ok, that's your prattle for the month. Enjoy it :)
5 comments:
In the blog I said "snake shedding skin" and the picture is a lizard. so there's a disconnect there. i couldn't find a decent pic of a snake shedding so i went with this lizard. Hope you're ok with it.
Hi Leigh - what details! I never would have noticed that.
Hope you are finding life interesting even if it isn't always perfect.
Take care.
I enjoy hearing the way you think even as you are figuring out what it is you think..
And sometimes.. it's best to not think.. and just live.
still.. luv ya!
(you got readers that can tell the difference between snakes and lizards.. I'm impressed!)
hey Leigh
interesting post, as always. It kinda got me thinking cuz of the stuff you said about passion, joy etc. I can relate to that. Whats in my mind, from a personal experience anyway, is that maybe when we are going through, or have gone through many many difficult changes and situations, to feel the great highs of passion and joy (and the lows that inevitably follow) might just be too much for us. Perhaps the kind of numb, jogging along, feeling not too much, just doing ok, is sort of like a safety mechanism of our emotions. To be a little bit numb helps us to cope with stuff. Like, I used to achieve that with anti-anxiety drugs and such. Now my mind/emotions has learned (mostly) not to feel too too much, or I will freak out or lose my ability to cope. I miss much about being madly in love, being crazy about stuff, hobbies, music, whatever. I dont miss the 'almost madness' that that can feel like though. Sometimes I miss the drugs becuz I'm aware enough to know what I'm missing out on whereas before when I was chemically numb I really didnt care. Anyway. Duno if any of that makes sense. I wish you well on your journey. Its very hard to think ahead to some kind of ultimate destination, concentrating on the happy moments is usually what most of us can manage I think.
*hugs*
Something you said there, Spanki, caught my eye. "to feel the great highs of passion and joy (and the lows that inevitably follow) might just be too much for us". That is an interesting thing to say, because obviously we are experiencing the great highs and lows, so how can they be too much for us? Your highest high might not compare to mine (Not saying yours or mine is greater or lesser at ALL, don't get me wrong)but it does compare with your other highs. If your highest and lows do reach an extreme, which I think they must at some point, (Not certain how to quanlify them :P), then it makes sense that there is a high or low that ALMOST hits that extreme, but not quite, and that would be your second highest high or lowest low. And it's inside you, not in the next person, so how can it be too much for you? it's like a sheep being allergic to wool, isn't it? (You of course know I'm not personally talking about you, Spanki, but in people in general. this is all rhetorical meanderings)
In reality, I know what you mean about being numb sometimes, Anxiety attacks are no fun and sometimes you have to cope with them in some way or another, either by numbing or by running away from them, which is what I was doing.. I don't know if either works, but we do what we feel we can. At those times, I think, Jordyn is right, it's best not to think and just live.
PS, I've often found that most of my anxiety attacks grow on an empty stomach. I usually skip dinners and breakfasts, and after I have eaten, I feel more calm and in control.
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