I have filled out the application for grad school, and I sent it in about a week ago. It's due by Jan 5, for the fall of 2010, which is now less than a year away. I filled out the application to the specific department, which isn't due until March, I just have to send it in, want to find out if they want it mailed or faxed. The next things to do are to work on my portfolio, and to apply for financial aid, and I can't apply for financial aid until February, because I need the year's tax forms, and those won't be ready until then. So, I guess the next thing for me to do is to hit the portfolio hard and heavy. I can do that, for sure.
I went to work today. This time of year is always strange for work. I worked four days the week before Christmas, took Friday off, so had a three day weekend, worked Mon and Tues last week and had Wed through Sun off, and today and tomorrow I work, and then I don't go in again until next Monday. Lots of time to goof off, eh? Or lots of time to get busy with things I need to do without work. I wonder which will win out? So I went to work today and was totally unproductive. Our department is under a spending freeze, so I can't get any wood, paint, hardware, anything until the City figures out how to balance the budget. It's very draining, emotionally wise, and ambitions are running low. Almost all my projects are frozen and will continue to be so for a while. It's a good reason to find other opportunities.
The whole day has been off. I feel like I'm straddling many different worlds, present work and future grad school, marriage and separation, Oklahoma and Minnesota, straight life and gay life. I'm not a new age-y person, but I found a horoscope that has proven to be pretty accurate about the goings-on of my life. It's called SoulgardenTV, and you can find it on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/user/SoulGardenTV . It's friendly, palatable and relatable, not like Ms. Cleo with the fake Jamaican accent and the crystal ball hoohaw. Take it for what it presents itself to be. Plus the "Stand-up Astologer," Christopher Witecki, is so damn cute.
Anyway, when I'm not staring at him, I am actually listening to what he has to say , and this week is a week of major transformations of what we are to what we will become, and this odd feeling I am having is just a part of that. Even without this base, I can fall to my old standby, "This too, shall pass" and know that things will work themselves out. I just have to go through some lumpy times. And now I can do that while watching a babe.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
That feels weird, talking like that. Talking about cute guys like I did.. I feel like a perv. Well, no, I don't feel like a perv. I never talk like that, though. It doesn't feel natural. So now I go to my inner dialogue:
Me: What a hunk! omg, did I just say that?
Inner me: yeah. you just said that.
Me: That's wrong for me to talk like that.
Inner me: Why is it wrong?
Me: I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.
Inner me: do you think he's cute?
Inner me: So it's ok to express that.
Me: Well, alright, but it doesn't seem natural.
Inner me: Why not?
Me: Because I never have talked like that before.
Inner me: ...and that is because...
Me: because I was in the closet?
Inner me: and being in the closet caused you to do what?
Me: Suppress my desires.
Inner me: and because you suppress your desires, what happened?
Me: I didn't strive for my desires.
Inner me: and now you are...?
Me: ...regretting it.
Me: but it still feels wrong. It objectifies him as eye candy, something to look at. Nothing more, and I don't do that to people. I know there is more to a person than the way he or she looks or appears.
Inner me: and by saying that you think he is cute, you think you are saying that he is only cute and nothing more?
Me: no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying..that his inner qualities are broader than his appearance.
I'm not a perv.
Inner me: do you want to have sex with him?
Me: I want to have sex with anyone.
Inner me: excuse me?
Ok, I think that's enough inner dialogue for right now.... Till next time!