You are now a member of this group.

There was a time when there was a distinct limit to how many groups you can join (25), but now it seems you can join up to 40. I received a notice about that from one of mine, but as there are ONE MILLION things that needs be done when I log in, I shelved that note and still haven't read it. Silly me, I should refer to it while writing this. But this entry isn't about how to do remove the limit, so the technicalities of it shall have to wait until I do read that note.

There are many reasons why one would join a group. Off the top of my head, I can think of three.
1.) You want to be notified of special events or upcoming sales. I think this is the most common reason. Why else would a shop or club have a group except to notify these events?
2.) To support a friend who is trying to establish him/herself or his/her group. I've done this several times. I am a member of the Fellowship of the Fourth Age, not because I spend a lot of time on the sim Alqualonde or because I'm a fan of JR Tolkien, (honestly, the saga bores the hell out of me) but because I was first a friend to AelKennyr Rhiano, one of the founding members. So now I receive scads of notices about the online story of what's going on there, and I have little reference to it.
3.) You want to be part of something. This is the game I play most often. The first group I ever joined was October Country, because one of the first places I hung out on regularly was Martian Wei's halloween-themed campfire. He streamed old time suspense radio programs like "The Shadow," and I adored this. I wanted to be closer to this kind of creativity. Later, as my Second Life character evolved, I joined several groups to reflect the changes Leigh was going through.

Most of the time now, the group notices I receive all get one quick scan and are tossed in the trash file. It's true, and I don't think this is an uncommon practice for may SL players. Only once in a while do I find a notice that I think is valuable enough to hang onto (an example being the note about groups limit above). Some of the groups I've joined are dead in the water from the get-go. Every once in a while, I'll post something in a seemingly dead group, trying to breath some life into it, and usually that effort is for the most part wasted. Usually someone will answer, but not so very much. Here's a sample (I made this up, it's not an actual conversation, but it is a typical one)

Leigh Eel pokes his head in the room. Helloooooo?
Friendly Person: hi
Another Member: wat's up
Leigh Eel: want to wish everyone a lovely hello
Friendly Person: ty. u2
Leigh Eel: thx. anything going on?
Friendly Person: not really. bored
(long pause here)
Leigh Eel: how bout a joke?
Another Member:
Leigh Eel: why does a gorilla have such big nostrils?
(*this is a standard ice-breaker joke. not terribly funny, but most people will laugh politely)
(another long pause. sometimes someone will ask "why?" but usually I just supply the answer if no one does)
Leigh Eel: becuz he's got big fingers

and it's about here that the conversation fizzles.

Maybe my jokes aren't that funny, that's ok. But really, can't someone make an effort? Granted there are times when there's a little spark and someone brings up something that someone else responds to, and a little life is brought into the group, but am I the only one who wants activity in the group? If so, why am I bothering? How many times does one try before giving up the ghost?

I'm noticing this in other social networks as well. Facebook, for example. I have two accounts, one for my real self, and one for Leigh. Most of the time, I've got fecebook set to my real self's account, because that's where my priorities lie. Every once in a while, once a month or so, I'll log into Leigh's account to see the activity, and guess what? nothing new. So why bother? Why do I keep the account? I dunno. Perennial hope, I guess. The last time I logged in I was seriously considering closing that account, because it seems the only thing it does for me is cause me despair in knowing that Leigh doesn't have that many friend, even though fb says he has 98. But to what end? Only a few have I actually met inworld, most sent me requests just because I have an account. Some I've met through blogger and reached out to facebook.

That gets into a whole nother topic: blogger. I'm not a terribly prolific blogger. Once a month, perhaps, and I keep saying I'll do it more often, but really? Who knows. I follow several blogs, and perhaps people stalking me look at what I follow and make judgements about me based on that, but so what? I'm not looking for statistics in friends, I'm looking for substance. I'm not going to drop someone whom I'm following unless I find that person to be mean or undesirable. Same goes for facebook. I've made the mistake of dropping people because I was in a snit or because some other very temporary emotion, and usually it winds up that the bridge is burnt. I'll drop someone who is unredeemingly racist or cruel, or beyond redemption or whatever, but I won't just because they have a difference of politics or worldview (That is, unless they are cruel etc). The world is made up of many differences, and so what if I disagree with the differences. Doesn't mean I'm right about all things, lol.

Ok, this is starting to ramble again, and I think I've made my point. Or maybe I haven't, and it was all just ramblings. Thoughts welcome.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated.

Whoa boy. What a pickle. Which is to say I am in a pickle. And indeed, this is one of the toughest challenges I've come across. I think what I need for someone to say to me is, "it's not as bad as you think it is", but then again, I would probably dismiss such a statement.
Again, I'm using my SL blog to discuss my RL issues. If this somehow annoys you, well, here's the warning. Also the reasoning. I know I have a difficult time facing my RL issues in a RL theatre. I don't talk about it on facebook, and my RL journal (LiveJournal) has only one entry from way back a year ago or so, I haven't even logged in to that. One attraction of SL is its anonymity. I can express myself fully without having to explain to personal close friends what's going on.
Which, after writing that sentence down, seems kind of cowardly. (sad face) But it's where I am, and it's in the hand that I've been dealt, and so deal with it I must.
Anyone following my blog might know some of the background. So some of this might be redundant, but I believe in a tight, self-referential journal, so I'll probably repeat some information.
I am married. I am gay. When I got married, I told my self that having my feelings was a phase, and that it would pass, and I could have "a normal life". Those feelings did not pass. The woman I am married to is truly a wonderful person. Any straight guy should be so lucky. We have kids. Beautiful, intelligent, bright, funny kids. I held in my orientation for eight strong years, during which we as a family prospered. I personally, however, was not prospering, and towards the end of the lie, I was having great emotional and spiritual problems, because I was lying. I thought that finally saying something out loud would fix that. It proves again how much I was naive. Some personal, internal problems did fix themselves, yes. Complications arose, though, and complications grew like fractals. It was very confusing at times, and I found I was forced to make decisions within these confusing times. And now, here I am, in this pickle.
Rather than try to roadmap the turns I have made, with backtracking and trying alternate routes, I think the best way for me to approach this is by concentrating on the present, and to try to clear some of the psychological obstacles that hinder good decision-making.
Fact: While on SL I explored what it was like to be fully out of the closet. I attended virtual gay clubs, and had virtual relationships. I had been partnered twice, both to beautiful, good men. Both were dissolved. I am in another relationship now which has bridged the SL/RL separation, (we've grown to know each other better on facebook and via phone calls before SL). I want to proceed with our relationship and continue it.
Fact: My wife was devastated. We were good friends before we even started dating, and I truly want her to find happiness and fulfillment in her life. But because of this shock, she went through some terrible anguish, and still to this day is trying to cope. This is not a good place for her.
Fact: I love her and I want her to be happy, wherever it may take her. I also adore my children and want to play an active role in their growth and lives.
Fact: We, my wife and I, moved to another part of the country soon after our daughter was born for financial reasons. It was part of the country neither of us ever intended to settle down, but in hard times sometimes one must choose from what is available rather than what is ideal. It had always been our intention that Oklahoma was a steppingstone to our ideal settlement, and we made the best of it. It has proven to be a good place to live and to raise our kids, for the most part, and I discovered how judgmental I could be on a place that I knew very little about. Still, it was always intended to be a steppingstone home, and that's how we looked at it.
Fact: I am getting older. She is getting older. Our kids are getting older. My son turned 12 last month, he's almost a teenager. My sweet baby girl is now 9. They are fully legitimate people now. I feel like I'm running out of time.
Fact: I am mule-headed. When I get an idea in my head that I feel is the right thing to do, by gum, that's what I am going to do. I've done it in the past, and my family tapestry is rich with stubborn threads. In this case, I pushed a quantum leap, and that may have been a terrible mistake. And now I have to deal with the consequences.
To elaborate: Both my wife and I wanted to move on with our lives. I quit my job and spent a good month fixing up the house to ready it for sale. We put it on the market, and I moved to where we thought we would be moving, to Minnesota, our home state. The intention was that when the house sold, my wife and kids would come. I would have secured a job and built a foundation for that move. Neither has the house sold or I gotten a job. These are not good indications of things to come. I am in Minnesota, they are still in Oklahoma, and it's been 5 months. I worry that this long an absence will have devastating effect on our kids, and in my phone calls with them, I sense it is.
New Fact: My wife has an job opportunity that would take her to Pennsylvania and she is pretty much a shoe-in for the job. This one is new, I just found out about it over the weekend. We've talked about it. It would be a good opportunity for her. If it was just her, that'd be fine. but it's not just her, it would be the kids as well. And if they are in PA and I'm in MN, that's like 17 hours drive away, and that's too far for me to have that close active role in the kids' lives. I've already gone through this one in my head, before she got the opportunity. The guy that I'm interested in lives in Oregon. Both he and I want to pursue the relationship, but both of us are tied to our respective locations. I had entertained the possibility of moving out there before, but had always balked at it, because it was too far from where the kids would be. If my kids were in PA and I in MN, it wouldn't be any different if they were in OK or MN and I in OR.
Honestly, I have no objections to moving to PA, except minor, kinda whiny sounding ones. One being, "I just moved to Minnesota, I haven't even given this place a chance". Another being "I don't know anyone in PA, and I'll have to start life from scratch again." Yet the biggest concern I have is this: I feel that this will come between me and Steve (the guy in OR) and that we might not make it work because of the distance. I want to be with him, and a move to PA it seems would make it even more difficult for that to happen.
My resources are drying up. I'm not having success finding the happiness that I sought. I have a tangle of emotional problems including separation anxiety, self-depreciation (part of why I can't get a job), motivational problems, and on top of it all, I can't seem to convince my higher self that being gay is ok, no matter how accepting society is becoming towards it. I feel pressure from all sides to act now ("Strike while the iron's hot"), and unlike video games, I only have one life. There is no do-over.
So there you have it. That's my blog entry. These are the things that I'm thinking about and dealing with. I'm hoping that getting these things written down helps me figure some of it out. I'm travelling today to Oklahoma for a long weekend, and I hope to talk with my wife about how to make everything work out so that she can be happy, and that I can be happy, and that we can provide emotional and financial support for our children.

The Fool Jumps Blindly

Here's a letter I wrote to a friend of mine. I'm still waiting on the response. While writing it, it came to me that I hadn't updated this blog for a while, and the content of the message pretty much summed up some of the things going on with me.

"I'm sorry for the dead-end conversation this weekend. I seem to be in a phase of pushing people away right now, it seems I have been doing it to many people. It's not a great thing I want to admit, because it makes people feel dejected, and really, that's not what I'm about. Or am I? Maybe it's my function to go around getting people's hopes up and then dashing them to disappointment. I seem to be pretty good at that. Mmm, I wonder if there's a way to incorporate that into my career? Promises Unfulfilled, Inc. is the business plan I seek.

"I have long had a problem with commitment. Not just in relationships, but in other areas as well. Solve a problem? well, let's take it apart bit by bit, and see if we can diagnose what the issue is.. thing is, one is supposed to learn things by how they are dismantled, of how it goes together, of how the parts interact with each other, etc; and once one figures out how is comes apart, one can presumably restore and put it back together again. Pretty standard tinkerer's thinking, there. But what if you're not learning anything by taking it apart? What if you disassemble for the sake of disassembly? What if one misjudges the resources available, and perhaps doesn't have time to put the pieces back together? What if someone just loses focus and interest in keeping it all together? Downward spiral. The value of the project is reduced to "just another thing I'm doing"

"Things change when one is relied upon, though, in a dramatic and spectacular way. When one has children to care for, one would put aside his/her own level of contentment to embrace the children's. I found that o be true, while raising my kids. I did things I would never in a million million years do on my own volition, and I loved doing it. Still hate Chuck E Cheese, but I'm glad I took my kids there, because they loved it. In your message, you mentioned your daughter needing care from you for the rest of her life. That's a hell of a greater commitment then taking the girls to a pizzeria. I hesitate to say anything, because in comparison, my problems are a breeze. I think. I don't know. my problems seem pretty heavy to me but I do think that they are temporary. How temporary? I don't know. I know you love her and that love will give you the strength to achieve greatness with her. I really respect that.

"I use communication in a marginly biased way. I only want to report the good news. I want to crow about how great things are going and to share my happiness. I don't want to talk about (perceived) failures, or depressions or funks, or how much I might hurt because of something I did, or how much I think I've hurt someone... I would rather tell you about a cool technology or sculpture, or something hilariously funny or whatever. I know that's unfair to me, but it is a habit I've picked up somewhere, and habits... you know... they're hard to break. They're easier to alter, I've found. and so changing one aspect of a habit can keep the habit, but bring about positive outcomes. On paper that looks good.

"I spend most of my time in shock, though, really. Shocked that I'm here, and not where i feel I should be, though to be honest, I didn't have a very good strategy to begin with. I'm shocked that I'm not near my kids. I'm shocked that I destroyed a woman's perception of reality (my wife's, which I'm hoping you got without me saying so). I'm shocked that my own concepts of happiness and bliss were WAY more in the realm of unicorns and bubbly streams than I previously thought. (I'm discovering that my naivete knows no bounds) And the most discouraging thing of all, maybe, is that I can't seem to work anything to my advantage. I can't seem to "get it together" long enough to produce satisfying results. That on top of I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, as well as my inability to learn from my own mistakes, I can look forward to a lifetime of taking blind leaps of faith.

"...Yeah...

"That garbage above, that's the stuff I don't want to communicate. And there's way more eating at my heart, and I don't want to burden anyone with my own problems. and This is the reason I didn't feel comfortable talking the other night. Because I know that talking out my problems will brand me a "loser" (which is admittedly a perception held by others and shouldn't affect me in the slighest, Mr. Rugged Individualist.) But I also have very little faith in my own abilities to see me out of this one. Poor poor me. Another pity party for me.

"Not many specifics in this message. I've moved. Living with a friend. He likes you. You'd dig him, too. you guys should go on a date, it'd be a natural. heh. Ok, that's my thought on that, and I said it, so there you go. I still have no idea what the next few months will bring, the last four weren't so great. Though they were significant, I'll admit that. Working hard on honing myself, I think, maybe. The tinkerer's habit. "

So, what can I say here to validate this entry as something more than a correspondence? Well, the first thing that I thought of is a Tarot card, The Fool. And I think in this case, reversed. New pathways opening up, the Fool epitomizes blind faith in allowing "the universe" to take care of him. And such is that. But how many times can the Fool jump? infinitesimal numbers, it would seem. and the purpose of the jump? Enlightenment and fulfillment. That is the purpose behind the lifestyle purported by the Tarot. To grow, and to thrive. Knowing this is not enough though. Knowing it leads to the moral of the Frog Doctor "Physician, Heal thyself".

I've had a problem with that fable, since I was little. It's one of Aesop's Fables, about a frog who claimed he could heal all the animals if only they would listen to his prescription. One fable critter (a fow, maybe? for sake of clarity, let's just say a fox) who was tired of hearing Frog boast of his prowess, snapped back, "oh ugly frog, why should we listen to you when you yourself have ugly, warty skin? Heal thyself, ugly frog, before tending to others." I don't have an issue with the idea of health being mirrored by perfect skin, mind you. I can place myself in the universe where the frog doctor actually needs medical attention for his skin condition. Fine. What i have a problem with is the presumption the fox bears that the frog IS ABLE to heal himself. The barber doesn't cut his own hair, now does he? The frog offers his wisdom to help and is quite Hippocratic about it, as I see, and he gets trounced by the fox, who, as I see it, is only undermining the frog's efforts and philanthropy.

At any rate. I am the Fool on this adventure, and I have already made my leap. I just worry that my faith is a strong enough parachute.

Settling in Minn.

I'm on SL hiatus for the TG holidays. Won't return until probably next Mon or Tues. (maybe Sunday night, we'll see how the itinery works out.

If you have been following my misadventures, you already know that I'm not where I was a year ago, or even 3 months ago, in a very big way. Now, it seems I'm not where I was a month ago, either. If things keep going at this pace, every day will be radically different from the previous.
Currently, I am living in St. Paul, Minnesota, which is sorta "home turf" for me. I grew up in the middle of Minnesota, went to college in MN, and hovered around the border of Wisconsin/Minnesota for several years before we moved to Oklahoma. I have moved back to establish myself here and make a home for my wife and kids here. When our OK home is sold, they will move up here, and I should hope there's a place for them to live. My wife and I are still planning on divorce, due to my coming out of the closet, but there so far hasn't been a major push from either of us to make this a reality yet. We have a pretty good business arrangement set up, sorta. That makes it sound kind of cold and emotionless, but it's not. I still care for her well-being and I still love her and she to me as well. This gets into some deep things that I haven't even yet fully explored.
In SL, I have news to report that Opacus and I broke up. This was also due to some practicalities seeped with emotion. This past summer he had an opportunity in RL to advance his studies, which would take him away from SL for a couple months, and he let me know and we were both good with it. While he was gone, I was faithful, but I was also wooed. My thought when he returned was that things would go back to the way they were, but I was in the midst of my changing world, and he in his, and neither of us could fulfill our responsibilties and commitments to each other. I'm the one that suggested we go our separate ways, and he conceded. It was sad for both of us, but I'm hoping that it will also be beneficial to both of us. It's hard to say. From what I understand, Rico is still having a hard time getting in touch with me inworld, even though it's been about a year since our breakup. I've never claimed to understand the "ways of the heart" and it seems that I know even less about it now.
So I've been seeing this new person in SL. But we haven't committed ourselves to each other. He's the one for me though. Maybe committing to a relationship in a way jinxes it. I don't know. That's my feeling right now. Our SL relationship has spilled over into RL, and in a style and pace that is different than in SL. I'm willing to push forward with it in RL. I want to wait in SL, though.
Thing is, he's in Oregon, and I'm in Minnesota, and we're both unemployed, so neither of us can really afford the trip we both want to meet in person. We keep in touch though, through texts, and phone calls, and facebook messages. And keeping the faith, we'll meet, I'm sure. We're cultivating, yeah, that's what we're doing, cultivating.
Sigh. More to come.

Not what you may have expected.

Didn't go inworld again. Am having some problems connecting to SL lately. Not internet-connecting, but like soul-connecting. When I started, long time ago, I was in discovery mode. I was a hobo noob, and everything was so fresh and shiny. Then I stopped for a few months, and then gave it another shot (I blogged about that before May 22nd's entry), and it was like a rejuvenation. Of course, that rejuvenation was connected to my RL's changes, and SL was right for me at the time. It was needed. Things change like they always do, and there was a previous time when I didn't feel a need for SL, but I kept at it, and eventually it became a part of my scheduled habits. That's fine. I wasn't obsessed with it anymore, but it was just something I did. Some people watch TV, some people read books (I understand there are still people who read books), I played SL. No big deal.
Lately though, I've been kinda bored with it. I'm having a hard time finding paths of discovery there, and that was the splice of SL for me. It became a glorified chat room, where the same people came on and did the same things and talked about the same stuff and it was always the same.
I do have an issue that I am avoiding. And maybe that's why I'm hesitant to log in. It has to do with Opacus, my partner, and I don't know if I should delve into this issue here before I talk with him. I have to admit that I have been avoiding him, and checking to see if he's online before I log in. I don't want to say anything here, because what if he reads this and finds out this way rather than me talking with him direct. Also, I don't think that the topic is suitable for a blog like this. Rather personal, you know.
Yes. definitely. There's an elephant in the room and this is it. Must talk with him and clear this up. I hate confrontations, but this I must do.

Crap.. sucky blog entry. Sorry folks. Move along... here's a anatomical picture of the torso muscles. Blarg.

Two Months > Five Years

Tonight I'm not on SL. Personal choice. Most of my days end up with me sitting in front of the comp, moving Mr. Eel around, doing whatever he's into at the moment. (Current activity is the MHOH #4, not that he needs more stuff, but its about the ride) Last blog was what? Aug 19. My god I don't get on here very much. Considering that the last two months I have had more activity than in the previous five years.
So quick update: Aug 2, I quit working at the zoo. Spent the next four weeks getting the house ready to put on the market. Sept 2, moved to Twin Cities (Minnesota, home state) and am staying at my brother's house until I can establish myself. When the house sells, my wife and kids will also move up here. So, been spending the past month adjusting to new life. It's been strange, sometimes harrowing, emotion-wise, but I don't regret one single solitary bit. The only part I don't like is the intrinsic part of not seeing my kids on a daily basis. I miss them. I call every day. They miss me too. Hope the house sells soon.
Part of the readjustment is the hard reality of finding a job. Today's job market is tough. It's tough all over. Been sending out resumes left and right. Finally, this week I have three interviews lined up. I went to one today. It's a housing remodeller job. Taking crappy houses and flipping them. I can do that. Felt good about the interview. I could very well be starting next Monday. Fingers crossed. Two more interviews to go.
Since I'm not having any parental responsibilities right now, I'm taking advantage of this and have gone to regular notebook journalling and drawing. I've been very productive in both these. Most of my journalling has been seeped with self examination and figuring out what wrong with me. And that was fine, because I needed to do that, but now, I feel pretty confident about myself, and most of my problems are external, not internal. So I'm trying to move my journalling into writing about things that interest me. I was having a hard time making this transitions, because I kept writing about myself. So I set myself a little challenge. I bought a brand new notebook, and on the first page I wrote "The word 'I' is not to appear in this book," meaning that I have to force myself to get myself out of the personal reflective and into something more universal. Guess what? It worked. I filled five pages of substantial thoughts without referring to myself at all. No more "I believe this and this" "I think such and such". It's more solid and palatable. In a journal, of course it's what I think or believe, no need to write that. I also feel I wrote more content in fewer words. So there you go.
Maybe I should take this rule to this blog? Heh, ok, maybe. The idea came to me when I was writing all these cover letters for the resumes. I had some friends look at them, and one comment was "Use fewer "I" statements." Really, it's a cover letter, not a treatise on what I believe. So anyway. Less on that.
Well, it's late and I have to get some good sleep for tomorrow's interview. It's for a party place, they host weddings and so forth and need properties designed and built, I've done that before, I can do that again. I like doing that. So i'm going to bed. Good night!

PS Cartoon above stolen from another website, Will remove or credit if requested.

Living On The Other Side Of My Life

I was going to log on tonight, but SL was taking forever to load, and in the meantime I do what I normally do, stream Pandora and cruise the net. (was Scissor Sisters Hair Baby, now Tool's Rosetta Stone, I'll update it throughout this blog as I write, maybe.)

Upchurning of events in my RL. For those who knew, my RL job was that I worked as a carpenter in a zoo. Yes, yes, very interesting. News is though that as of August 3 I no longer am employed there. I decided to quit to work on the house so we can sell it and finally move on with life. so for the past couple weeks, I've been covered in paint, silicone, chlorine bleach, spackle and all sorts of cleaning and fixing-up concoctions to completely overturn this house to something of some value. It's coming along, and with any luck, we'll be able to put it on the market by next week. Once it's on the market, I will move ahead and my wife and the kids will stay behind until it sells. Hopefully it won't be long.

Believe by The Bravery

I really shouldn't be logging into SL and I shouldn't be playing around on facebook and Treasure Madness and other games. I shouldn't be following the debate of the Ground Zero mosque and the Defeat of Proposition 8 in California. I should be taping out the wall in the front room so I can paint the trim. I should be packing up all the doodads on the bookshelves and mantlepiece. I should do an extra load of laundry, I should be working. But I'm not. I'm fucking around on the internet.

Me, I'm Not by Nine Inch Nails.

I should be looking for a job when I move to St.Paul. I don't have one right now. In fact, me quitting work will be cutting our income in half. we have a little in savings, I'll be getting my vacation time comp check soon, and I'm cashing out my retirement for this move. We've decided that this woud be the course of action way long time ago. I'm scared shitless. In fact I haven't had a decentt BM for three days. (no, I'm kidding. My colon is fine really, thanks for the interest) I am nervous though. Change is always stressful and this is a big one. Life is coming at me full speed nowadays, and I hide from it with the internet.

Rise by Flobots

I've been looking forward to come on to SL lately, but I seem to be disappointed each night. I am unfocused and I ususally sit at my home skybox for a good long time, trying to figure out what to do. For most of the summer, Opacus has been offline, as he had gotten a very good opportunity in RL over the summer. He returned a couple weeks ago, but I mostly seem to be passing him on the log ins. I'm worried about us. I think I've drifted. I've gotten to know some other friends, and sometimes intimately, but I had always been faithful to Opacus. and now I'm uncertain. I do hope he doesn't stumble across this, but in a way I will accept the consequences if he does see this.

Wolf Drawn by Emancipator

I also haven't seen Rusty/Morty much these last few months. I became friends wit him in RL as well, and we know each other and contact via facebook. but he seems to have fallen off the grid. I miss him. He was sometimes invective, often stubborn and a little frustrating, but he's a good person and an honest one. Everyone has faults, but he rises above his faults, accepts that he is imperfect and strives to be a better person always. He has ruffled feathers before, and for someone who can't stand their feathers ruffled, he will hit on a tender spot, and sometimes cause undue relations with the unspecified sensativo.

God Put a Rainbow in the Clouds by Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys.

Dang that was a long one to write and the song was kinda short, so....

How To Handle Grownups by Ruckus Roboticus

Here I sit. It's after midnight, and I don't think I've come to any conclusions with this blog entry. I should find some sort of picture to add to this blog, to "spice it up" cause as everyone knows, style accessorizes substance. At least it should, I think. It shouldn't be more important that substance, but it make the substance palatable. Food is nourishing, but without spice, food isn't life. I should know. I grew up on Norwegian food, in which black pepper was the spiciest thing that one would add to anything.

What If We Give It Away? by REM

I don't feel very fulfilled with this posting, just like I don't feel very fulfilled with SL lately. Even facebook has lost some of it's charm. (please keep caustic statements at bay. I'm well aware of the sardon.) I suppose one can't expect to be fulfilled by every nuanced thing they do. Of course not. Life is drudgery, life is factory work. But it doesn't have to be, does it? Life can be fun and exciting, can't it? Ok now I'm verving between blind optimism and knee-jerk pessimism. Life is life and that what it is. It's not a box of chocolates. This paragraph is going in way too many directions.

Ramona by The Ramones

I love my wife, but we are going to separate, and divorce. Those who follow my ramblings closely know that I came out of the closet after being married to her for nine years. Went through the ringer with that one. all sorts of emotions and subconcious demons came bubbling to the surface. Last night a few more popped up. We had gotten into a fight. without getting into details. what came out of it was I realized I had been dishonest before and had strived to be honest since, but in that I had neglected being responsible. She discovered that she had some deep-seated trust issues that were very tender. By the end of the night we were not fighting. And really, that's all I care to reveal about that right now.

Live Before You Die by Social Disorder.

I think this is the last paragraph. and it's interesting that Pandora picked this song, since I had kinda touched on that topic earlier. I have always felt that this was a good message. I was alway a true believer that we are each given one life (that we know of) and that we are to make of it what we wish. That's why I quit the zoo, that's why I came clean with my wife, that's why I make some of the desicions that I make. Perhaps I have been unstimulated by internet stuff lately because I have relied on them too much to be a surrogate life. Honestly, the town I live in po-dunk. It's boring as hell, and it's the boring hell, not the interesting fire and brimstone one. We try to make the best of it we can , to have fun and live here, but, damn it's dull. That's the main reason I think I've relied on the internet. It's a little more cosmopolitan than Armpit, Oklahoma. But then again, so was the soup I had for dinner. I might be coming on SL much less often in the near future. I have a lot to do, and I'll be living on the other side of my life then, and it might actually be more interesting than the internet.

Oh crap, I gotta stop. A-ha's Take On Me just popped up. That's my cue.

Till the next time, Blog Heroes, keep being real, whatever that means.