Slippery Eel

The Wyrm Turns....

2012-02-01T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose some updating need to be done. The Year of the Dragon for sure, it looks like.
I don't know who follows my little life escapades, my struggles and confusions that I've put on this blog. Not everything gets put up here, granted, but enough does to give a good skeleton of my make up.

We've come to a decision, my wife and I. And that is to stop pussy-footing around. She needs to move on, and I need to move on, and we simply cannot continue acting like a married couple when that is not what we are in our hearts. Once the taxes are done and we get our return, that money is earmarked for divorce proceedings. Hopefully it happens before May. We are filing for a no-fault divorce, and it looks like the only thing we'll need to do is file the paperwork, it will cost about $300. No lawyers need be present, all our business dealings will be personal between her and I.

In April, I am taking my son to Boston for a convention for a weekend. Simultaneously, my wife will be taking our daughter to Oklahoma to visit her folks and to visit her boyfriend. for about a week. Soon after she comes back perhaps a week later, her boyfriend will be coming to Pennsylvania, so that they can have a trial live in relationship. I will be going out to San Francisco to for once and all meet Steve in real life, whom I met in SL, and we have been together for more than a year, virtually. We will see how we work together in the real world. I'm very positive it will be excellent. After I return, and everything goes well between us, I will pack my belongings and move out to Oregon, where he lives. My wife and her boyfriend will sell the house and move back to Oklahoma for good.

I am very nervous about this, indeed. but I am also very excited. There is no way to know how anything will turn out, but we both are feeling pretty optimistic about it. The only thing that is causing me great worry is the kids. I love them so much and i will greatly miss them. The plan is that they will go to Oklahoma. When I am more settled in in Oregon, we will give the kids the option to stay with me if they like, but as I will be having the most unstable life, it's best they go with her.

Anyway, it looks like 2012 will definitely be a changing year for me and for those around me. Not that 2011 wasn't a dynamic year, But this year will definitely be different. I'm calling 2011 the warm up year.

Treaty of Tripoli

2012-01-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

This link from MoveOn.org has been making the rounds on facebook lately:

http://front.moveon.org/sorry-republicans-george-washington-isnt-buying-your-bull/

for those who don't want to link on this, I'll paste the text:

"Unless you think George Washington didn’t know much about America’s founding, we should probably take his word over today’s conservatives….

It's come across my page a couple of times. Something about this bothered me, so I put on my Historian fact-checker's hat ( I do have a degree in History. I haven't used it much except for stuff like this, which is for me fun.)

First of all, I located the original document which can be found at http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=llac2&fileName=009/llac009.db&recNum=341 (hit the [Prev Image] link at the top to find the first page.)
The section in question is Article 11, which reads in entirety,

"Art. 11. As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries."

I have some issues with this document shard to have come up in today's conversation about the separation of church and state. I understand and agree with MoveOn's point and stance about the issue, which is to give evidence of the Founding Founders position of religion and its role in policy making which is nil, and this treaty certainly does support it. However in today's world of short-attention spans and sound-bytes, there is an error that MoveOn makes with this cookie of information. George Washington never said this.

The treaty of Tripoli was written in 1796, by poet and diplomat Joel Barlow. It passed unanimously through Congress, and in the summer of 1797 it was John Adams who signed it, not Geo. Washington. I don't know why the contributor to MoveOn made this error. whether it was a minor slip-up of facts, (I choose to believe this) or a deliberate choice that Washignton carries more punch than Adams in mawkish patriotic sentimentalities (which I really really really hope is not the case). but in either way the quote is in error on this point and must be pointed out, and has at the poster's reddit account.

So the point the contributor is making is a strong one, though, once that error is resolved. He is referencing written documentary evidence that the founding fathers did not want the United States government to be founded on any religion. And I am a little wilted that this point had to ever have come up. When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, in all of my history courses in elementary and high school, it was a given fact that there was a separation of church and state. It was a clear-cut lesson. The nuances had not been present, for sure. We were not questioning the phrase "under God" on our money or in the Pledge of Allegiance, and the point that churches had a tax exempt status was not part of our curriculum. The lesson was that the government could not enstate a formal religion of any sort on its citizenry, and that policies that favored one religion over another with benefits were unconstitutional. As the Age of Reagan came to a head, and we were entering the 1990s, these issues came up more and more often in the national conversation. I entered my college years, and as typical for that age, more cognizant of these issues than when I was an adolescent. Why was "under God" on our money? Why erect a statue of the Ten Commandments on state property? These and other questions gained more momentum to me, and my interest in universal freedoms guaranteed by the constitution was piqued. Who is protected under the Constituion? American citizens. Who are American citizens? People of all walks of life. What religions do the observe? Many different religions, and some not at all.
So, it makes sense to me that a fair government, in order to serve its citizens properly, should not favor one religion over another. So why does it happen? Why does "under God" appear on our money? Why are churches tax-exempt? It does this because the citizens of the United States are people, and democracy dictates (supposedly) how things happen. Under God appeared on our money in the 1950s because Congress, the representatives of the States and the people passed this bill. Supposedly because it was the will of the people. Now, we all know there are flaws in the system, and that there are cronies and lobbies and monetary influences going on in government. It's a dirty game, and sometimes dirty games favor some groups of people over others, and it is the duty of the citizenry to be vigilant about these dirty deeds and bring them to light. MoveOn has taken on this mantle, and I think the whole separation of church and state idea being scrutinized on many levels is a good thing.

Finding a balance of what is constitutional and what is not can be a charged and tricky question. , Do the documents cited in the eighteenth century pertain to today's culture and political landscape? In a possibly ironic way, this is a similar question to whether the religious texts of two thousand years ago pertain to today's religious questions of morality and so forth. Context is necessary to understand the documents.

The late 18th century was a tumulous time for the world. The American colonies were wresting with independence and the lower and middle classes were doing he same in France and England and elsewhere in Europe. Advances in communication and transportation due to European imperialism were making it possible to get loftier ideas of human rights available to a wider populace. The British Empire was losing ground world-wide in its influence. The Mediterranean Sea was an important location for the British, as it was a major trade route to the middle east. Britain controlled, patrolled and policed the Sea very diligently with its navy, keeping pirates and militarily weaker countries under control pretty efficiently. The American Revolution ate up a huge chunk of Britain's military funds, and britain was no longer able to patrol the seas as before, and so north African countries, especially in this case Algiers, took advantage of this weaker patrol and began to establish their powers there by targetting what they saw as threats to their own best interest, being of course, foreign ships, mostly trade vessels. Some of these were American. Tripoli was on the very western edge of the Ottoman Empire in north Africa, and was a breeding ground for Barbary pirates, who captured ships and sold the prisoners as slaves, this being done and sanctioned by the Ottoman Empire. Britain protected the colonial trade ships from these acts of piracy, and after the Revolution, The newly formed nation had to build its own treaties of peace with foreign nations. In 1785 two ships were captured and the crews faced slavery unless a rnasom was paid to Algiers. It was rumored that Benjamin Franklin, the darling of America was one of those prisoners. America did not have much of a navy at the time to take military action so was forced to pay the ransom, and further "protection monies" to prevent this from happening in the future. It was in the pest interest of the nited Sates to make treaties with these pirates and they are collectively known as the Barbary Treaties, and Joel Barlow was consul-general, so it was his appointment to draft them. Washington DID indirectly appoint Barlow, and DID commission the treaties. The treaties were signed in Algiers in November 1796 by the Barlow and the Barbary counsel, and in early January by David Humpherys, plenipotentiary in Lisbon, but did not get back to the United States in time for Washington himself to sign it.
So what about this Article 11, that is the picking point for today's conversation? The entirety of the treaty had nothing whatsoever to do with religion. The Barbary pirates did not care about religions when they captured crew members for slavery. They took Christians, Jews, and Muslims. They wanted money, period. Frank Lambert writes, "...[the Treaty was]intended to allay the fears of the Muslim state by insisting that religion would not govern how the treaty was interpreted and enforced. John Adams and the Senate made clear that the pact was between two sovereign states, not between two religious powers." It was part of the American zeitgeist that it be known that it was a secular nation, not a nation built on Christianity, and the Treaty of Tripoli was one handy document to put that point into. The sentiment is reflected in other contemporary documents, but it is pretty well established that the idea of the separation of church and state was a driving force in the formation of the new nation.

So suck it, Religious Right.

Stuff is stuff.

2011-10-18T06:06:00.001-07:00

Whoops, missed last week, and not much of a blog for today. Just goes to show that I can't be habitual about this kind of stuff.

A friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a great many years has moved from his home to a new one in a new community and it's a whole new life for him. I'm hearing about this on facebook, as he posts his adventures. He is someone who has not moved for almost 20 years, and this move for him is a great challenge. As I read his updates I think about my own experiences in the past couple of years with all the moving and upheavals in my life and it's curious.

Moving can change you very much. It's a great ordeal to reassess one's baggage, both material and emotional. One realizes that they can do without much of one's possessions when moving day comes and there's no more room in the truck. This can be given away, that can be tossed. This can be replaced, that cannot. It's a good cleansing of sorts of the junk that we acquire yet never use.

I don't think anyone doesn't collect junk. Stuff that doesn't get used but once every few years. takes up space, needs to be dusted. After you've read a book, do you keep it? Do you give it away to a friend or the library? How many shoelaces are in your junk drawer? Are you ever going to use that exercise equipment?

What is it that we really need? When asking that question, it's easy to get ethereal and say: We need food, shelter, clothing, respect, love, air, water... you know the stuff we NEED in order to survive. Anything else is unessential. Right? Then why do we hang onto Grandma's china? Why is this T-shirt still in my dresser drawer when I haven't worn it in nine years?

I don't really have an answer to this. It's just what I'm thinking about. My friend from facebook hasn't had to strip away his life very much and re-prioritize things much, and he is doing so now, and he's being quite a crab about it. I may have done too much of it, and re-prioritized until I come to the conclusion that none of the stuff I own has much sentimental value, (I knew before already that not much of it had monetary value, ha ha). If my house were to catch fire and all my belongings to be destroyed, I think I would fare better than most in dealing with it. Though I am not trying to tempt fate!

People who have survived fires or storms or other catastrophes all say the same thing. "at least we are alive." And really, that is something to think about on days when trivial things receive too much importance. We are alive, and today we face a new challenge.

Picture from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/worldnews/7924963/Pictures-show-the-extent-of-the-floods-in-Pakistan.html?image=8 Image of a man saving his belongs after the pakistani flood.

Back to SL!

2011-09-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

So, another Tuesday morning post. If this is my rhythm, I can dig that. I tried writing a post at another time in the week, but haven't posted it. It's all about my adventures in facebookland. It got kinda wordy.

The last several posts I've put up have been dealing with me, in my real life. About my struggling and dealing with my new life, which isn't that new any more. I don't talk too much about my goings on in Second Life, and I felt maybe it's high time I do.

My real life dictates when I log on to SL, as it does for many people. I dont go online when I need to take care of the kids. It had been my schedule to wait until they were in bed. I don't really want to deal with the interruptions, and when they're up, there are constant interruptions. Such is a parent's life. Not complaining at all. I love my kids, They need whatever attention they can get from me. I also do not log on when my wife is at home. Once upon a time it upset her greatly, then it became an annoyance to her. Nowadays, I don't think she cares, but I still don't play when she's at home, whether it's for respect for her wishes, or the easy road for me to avoid confrontation. So I usually played late at night, after 10 pm, and stayed up til pretty late. When I was unemployed, I made my own schedule, and soon 2 am became 3 am, and often became 4 am. I didn't have any reason to get up early, so why not? I'd log on just about every night, 7 days a week, and I've had many great adventures on SL.
Now I've got a job, and guess what? I'm on overnight shift, Meaning I go to work at 6:30 pm and come home at 5:30 in the morning. I'm there to send the kids off to school, and then I go to bed. I wake up around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, in time for the kids to come home from school. It works out pretty slick, for the most part. Theresa works from 7 am to 7 pm, so she is unable to see the kids off or come home. It works for us. I work 4 days a week, Monday through Thurday (meaning Friday morning) and I have 3 days off. On those days off, I keep to the same schedule, staying awake all night. It's easier that way, doesn't throw me out of whack. And so it's perfect opportunity to play my SL.

Ok, I digressed into my Real Life again, when I was going to talk about my Second Life. Back to it...

I live in Chiaroscuro, in a windmill. I also ave a 512 parcel, because I've got a premium membership. but I can't figure out what I'm doing with that little parcel. I live next door to a good friend there, her name is Tiffy. I met her when she was a satyr and we were in the same group, Fauns and Satyrs. I used t be a satyr, you see. She came to a mini bacchanal, and we hit it off right then. Since then she has developed her own line of jewelry, which is quite exquisite, and because of this she doesn't have too much time to play, but we still chat, and share fun LMs and so forth.
So I don't know what I'm doing with my parcel. First I had a little tipi thing going on, and then later I put in a mountain shack. Both of these were not built by me, tI had either paid for them or won them in a treasure hunt, and they were fine for a while, but I wanted it to be mine, made by me, not by someone else. For a while, I had an idea of doing an enormous peach, like in the Roald Dahl book, and you enter it through a teleportation device to the interior pit, which would actually be high in the sky. but I was having troubles figuring out the tp device. I still kinda like the idea, and I might go back to it sometime. Right now, I'm building this structure, which I don't know what it is. it's an open room, almost a dais, but I haven't figured out why I'm doing it. That's the problem, I don't know why I'm doing it, so it's formless. See previous post about lack of creativity. But I keep chiseling away at it. maybe it'll come to me. I't's almost an exhibit hall. but what's it exhibiting?

So what have I been doing on Sl lately? well, I've got two main passions. One is treasure hunts. Treasure hunts are fun, but you wind up with all this stuff, and that means inventory clean up. I'm like mental stimulation, and treasure hunts are good for that.. look around the shop for a t-shirt, or a magnifying glass, or whatever the hunt is about. I actually don't mind doing inventory. i kinda like putting things away where they belong, but omg, it does get to be a big job. Going through all that stuff, though, you do get some nice finds, and I'll have to say my avatar has evolved quite gracefully.

The other passion I have is archery. And here's this about that. I have pretty much two avatars in SL, I have my centaur, and I have my human-ish avie. I use the human one when I'm out and about, either on the treasure hunts or the rare times I go to clubs. I feel more comfortable around other people when I'm human. When I'm at home or at a few select RP sims that I go as centaur. And usually when I'm practicing archery, I'm in centaur form. I've found some good archery ranges, and I have quite a few targets in my inventory. the latest one I really really love. It's called Vulo Hunt. What it is is a small nest that you place on the ground and when you click on it a flock of doves goes flying around, and you have to try to hit them. If you do, it explodes into a poof of feathers. It's pretty hard, actually. I was doing well with stationary targets, and having moving targets is a challenge. I absolutely love it.

Lately, my avatar has been sort of an equine neko, and on the last few treasure hunts, that's how I went. I feel comfortable in that. I've also been hanging out more often in the Primal Nature sim called Maledivs. I am not certain what I'm looking for, but I think that's a stone in the path. It's been kinda lonely last weekend, many of my friends have not been on at the same time I am, so I do my inventory, (currently going through old landmarks, so I'm travelling some) , and I practice my archery, and if someone's online I'll send them a shout out, usually.
I'm not good about starting conversations, I always feel like I'm interrupting whatever important thing they're doing, even though most of the time they aren't doing anything important, and actually welcome a chat. But still I feel like I'm imposing on their lifestyle. Some people I'm very comfortable starting up a chat with, but others I imagine are thinking "who is this guy who is chatting me up, and why won't he leave me alone?" So to avoid that I just don't start conversations. That's stupid, I know, but that's my comfort zone.

So, I'm going to log in and take some pics of my avatars, I'll take one of me as a centaur, and then one of me as a human-ish) Most of the pics I post are stuff I've found on the internet, sometimes related to what I'm saying, sometime not. These pics will actually have something to do with me, this time. And I hope you all have a good week.

Christmas Cartons

2011-09-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

Hmm, another Tuesday morning, and I'm wanting to write. Wonder if this will turn into a trend? Maybe it's just a coincidence, but hey this would be TWO entries in September, a record!

So last week, I mentioned that I was feeling dried up. This hasn't changed much in the past week, but considering last week's entry was right after a 10 hour shift at work, as is this one, I suppose it shows my mind frame after coming off of work.

I'm very grateful to have a job. I will never say that I am taking it for granted. I will say, though, I do feel that the job IS beneath me. Here is a description of what I do: I take cartons off a truck and put them on a conveyor belt. For 10 hours, four days a week. Sometimes the cartons are heavy, sometimes they are light. Another guy stands at the other end of the conveyor belt and puts UPC stickers on each carton so they go to the correct truck. Sometimes I put the stickers on, but I'd rather load the cartons on the conveyor belt.

I'm a designer. I'm a builder. I'm a dream-maker.

At least, I was. And I am discouraged now that I am not. I don't do it in my professional life, I don't do it in my personal life. Somehow, someway, I lost my ability to dream. And I can't seem to jump start it back to where it once was. What changed? Why do I allow myself to drudge forward in a dull, grey world?

It is Septmeber. The cartons I load on the conveyor belts are filled with Christmas decorations for stores to sell. Every carton is cardboard- brown, and inside each of them are the deep evergreens, rich maroons and glittery gold of Christmas. But I see brown. And honestly, I don't care to see the rich majesty within the cartons. What is important to me is that these items get to the right store, and my job is to get the ball rolling on getting them there. The stores will have wonderful magical polyurethane snow-blankets and tall plastic trees, hundreds of thousands of twinkling happy icicle lights and inflatable reindeer soon, and I don't care if I see it at all.

This is my quest: to find out where my desire for living life to the fullest went to. And why I don't care.

Is it important to know why I don't care? or is it more important just to know that I don't care, reasons be damned? I'm not sure. I think I should know this, because if the why isn't important, than I should spend my energy elsewhere than to figure out why, and concentrate more on the situation.. rather than what lead up to the situation.

More later as the quest unfolds.

Bring a box-knife.

Dry period. (Boring title)

2011-09-14T03:46:00.001-07:00

It's early Tuesday morning, and I think this'll be a short blog. Just putting something up so there's a little activity here.

I'm in a pretty numb state lately. My passions have all pretty much dried up. I'm doing what I need to do, and not exploring much, not trying out new things. Not experimenting with life. But I don't say this in a bad way. I think I'm just needing to be this way for a little while.

When I was a kid, I saw this nature documentary. This is way back when all nature documentaries were hosted by Sebastian Cabot and no one drank their own urine to survive. I think it took place in Africa. It was the dry period. The watering hole had dried up, and no life was to be seen. But afterwards came the rainy period, and not so much miraculously, but systematically, Life reappeared. Little fishes populated the once dry bed. Where did these little fishes come from? Well, as a survival mechanism, the fishes had evolved a sort of hibernation. The sealed themselves up under the mud as the dry period was coming in a waterproof mucus envelope, and their body metabolism slows to showing almost no sign of life. When the rains came, they sprang back to life, and began spawning. Dry periods came, wet periods came. It is natural what these fishes do.

Am I in this dry period? I hope so. A time of self-directed healing, rationing my energies and devotions to the most meager necessities until better times and better fortunes. I would hate to think that I had been at the bus depot when my ship came in. My ship is coming in, isn't it?

What the hell, I'm mixing my metaphors again.

No matter. I'm not doing much right now, and I don't think I can as of yet. I had a pretty tumultuous year and a lot of stuff happened. My apple cart upturned, and once that happens, one must pick up the apples. Which is what I'm doing right now. Yes. I know, another metaphor for the mix. Don't keep track, please, just roll with it. Once I'm re-situated, I think I can move on again. Time, though. It takes time.

I think one thing I have to do in this time of regrouping is re-examine what it is that I feel I have lost. Because I do feel that I've lost some things. My curiosity, for one, and my drive to move forward. I worry that those are things that people just normally lose as they get older, but then I also know that's not true. But i can't seem to find my drive.
I should also pay attention to what I've gained, to be fair and balanced. I mean after all, I went through these experiences that were unique and unexpected, There should be a veritable treasure chest of resources to dig into.

September is a good grounding time. Autumn is coming, school has started, and with that regular scheduling. I've got a job, now, one that pays. And we are on the verge of buying this house. So, this upcoming month should be one of regularity, which is something I need. I can put my desires and dreams on hold for some good old fashioned fertilizing.

Marcus and the Big Gay Gorilla in the Room

2011-08-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

I found this story on Raw Report:

Bachmann tries to explain comments about being ‘submissive’

in which, as the headline points out, Bachmann explained a comment she made in when running for congress in 2006, that she was submissive to her husband. She explained the wording of it, and whether you accept her answer or not is beside the point of this blog entry.

Bachmann is a favorite target for her opponents, no doubt about that. She is viewed as a very "traditional values" type of woman who has a limited horizon on how people should live their lives. Cultural Conservative is the term. She is also pretty well known to have said some pretty downright goofy things in public. She has a pretty strong support base as well, with other "traditional values" folk, mostly Christian Conservatives and Tea Partiers. Whenever she says something that is oddly phrased, or just plain ding-batty, there is no end of articles and blogs and biased news sources that take her to task for the remark.

And that's the life of someone in the public eye. Every politician faces it, no matter what his or her platform is, left, right, or centrist. It's the nature of the beast. If you go on the campaign trail, someone's not going to like it, and they will jump on every opportunity to tear you down. If you don't know this and aren't willing to face it, you'll have a very short political career. Bachmann knows this, and she's willing to face the opponents. For this, and perhaps this alone, I respect her.

I do not support her as a candidate. I will make no bones about my belief that if you are a public servant, you serve all the people equally. You don't serve just your supporters. She has made some dangerous comments about being gay, especially in light of the recent states which have allowed gay marriages.

On another news clip from Raw Report, Tim Pawlenty was pressed if he considered gay people to be second class citizen at the Iowa State Fair. Pawlenty's stance is that the country has a strong foundation in traditional marriage, and that allowing gay marriage will rock the foundation of our nation. I can go in different directions with this statement in which I find faulty logic, but that will derail what I'm trying to get at with this entry. What I am saying here is that it is truly a fact that there are many Americans who believe this idea that allowing gay marriage would lead the nation to a veritable Sodom and Gemorrah, and eventually the only recourse is to have deus ex machina swoop in and save the righteous by burning the sinners. What I believe will happen if gay marriage is fully legal and supported is that there will be more a productive citizenry, because those who want to wed will be happy and will no longer have to spend their energy and efforts trying to establish that right, and thus frees up more intellectual and emotional resources to tackle tangible problems like the the failing economy and foreign tensions.

Bachmann holds similar values to Pawlenty and others regarding traditional versus gay marriage. A few months ago, it was a late night show joke about her husband Marcus Bachmann having a counseling clinic to reverse the gay tendencies in youth who were troubled by using such tactics as suppression and prayer, known in the business as conversion therapy. If I am to understand the American Psychological Association's stance on this method, I think the word "Bunk" shows up a lot, usually premised with "A load of". Check it here.

The Joke is, lookit him! he's queer as a three dollar bill. Check out his dance moves!.If he ain't gay, neither is John Waters. Etc, etc, etc. That's the joke.

As I mentioned before, if you're gonna go in the limelight, every weakness is exposed and exaggerated. Whether Marcus Bachhmann is a suppressed gay man or not is not the issue. The perception that he is has been the issue, and now it has become a part of his legacy.
On the Bachmann article in Raw Reports, I gleaned the comment section. You can gather a lot of information if you listen to the peanut gallery. Many of the comments were reserved for the actual issue that the clip was getting at, that is that bringing an Evangelical Christian moral value needs some clarification in its wordage. But there were, of course, many comments about her (to use an archaic expression) "wearing the pants in the family" and questioning the manliness of Marcus.

There have been many instances in the past decade or so of a man in the public eye (usually it is a man) who have been caught with their gay pants down. News articles upon news articles can be cited to show how "Anti-gay congressman caught with boy-toy" (or what have you) is rife with the sweet, sweet irony of someone whose actions do not follow his nature. And the public eats it up like candy and says "Now THAT didn't surprise me!"

These types of comments in the Bachmann article, and those similar bother me on a number of levels. First off, I do not know if Marcus is a closeted gay man. To conclude he is gay because of his mannerisms reinforces many stereotypes that need to be weeded in order for the equality that gay activists are trying to achieve and secure. Not all gay men are swishers, that's pretty well-known, I think. By modal logic, not all swishers are gay. He may be straight as an arrow, as he claims. Alternatively, he may be gay and feel guilty about it, and feel that conversion therapy worked for him, it should work for you too.

If he is gay, can you imagine what an emotional and logistical torment he is going through? I understand what it's like to feel that one's sexuality is socially or spiritually the wrong "type." And he's in a political pickle as well if this is the case. If he opens up with a public announcement stating "yes, I am gay", well that pretty much does it in for Michelle having a chance at the presidency. Michelle explained the word "submissive" equaling "supportive" or "respectful" in the news clip, and that being submissive was retrocessive between the spouses. Her house of cards would collapse, because it is basically based on suppressing the rights of gays, and she would be shown as a hypocrite, if those tenets did not also apply to her husband.

So it's strange that those who support NOH8 and wish to provide comfort to those struggling with closet issues would want to abase, humiliate and make a laughing-stock of such a man like Marcus. In fact, that to me seems a bit Pharisaical itself. The "it gets better" campaign ought to apply to him as well as anyone else. The cruelty of those anonymous comments reflects the mindset of the people who are vocal anti-teabaggers. And that to me is a little disturbing, because aren't the using the exact same tactics as those the are against.

Note that I said disturbing, not surprising. Politics is a nasty mud-slinging game, and it brings out the lowest common denominator of people, whichever side they are on. It's a long drawn out "yo mamma" ballet, in which the best zinger-flinger winds up on top in the end, except that there is no end.

If the man is in fact straight, well, I cannot condone his tactics as a counselor. Conversion Therapy does as much to help a struggling gay man or woman as a paper bag over the head covers ugly. It just adds another layer of guilt and self-hatred that needs to be addressed later down the line. And to think that someone who believes such a thing being an effective tool would be in proxy to public policy doesn't sit too well with me. Additionally, if he is straight, these are the slings and arrows that he must bear to be in the public eye, I suppose.

Moving right along.

2011-07-18T20:11:00.001-07:00

Alright, we'll just skip June.

It was a busy month. From Late May to just very recently, I have been very busy with a big move of about 1250 miles. We closed on our Oklahoma house on May 25th, and previous to that was nearly every day spent on repairs per the agreement. Once the house sold, we moved in with my in=;aws until my son could finish up Boyscout camp in mid-late June. My wife had already moved to PA, so it was just me and the kids. The furniture was in PA on May 5th or so. When the three of us finally made it to PA, I saw there were many things needed to be done on the new house, including mostly, organizing our stuff into the new place.

There were some horrendous details that I won't get into here, but it wasn't an easy move.

Now, we are here, and I'm slowly catching up. Biggest thing on my to-do list is to get a freakin job, because we need income. Like stat.

This is the part that I hate. Job searching. And now I'm in an entirely different part of the country where I don't know anything about anything, or anyone. It'll happen, though. I just hope it happens sooner than later.

Short blog. Here's an unrelated picture of a highly decorated pig (by Wim Delvoye, on exhibit in Paris at the Galerie Guy Pieters)

Coming soon

2011-05-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's May Day, and many friends call it Beltane, which is Gaelic or British and so forth. I'm not particularly an Anglophile, though I'm not a hater either. I just happen to have many friends who are fascinated with British customs and so forth, who regularly attend Renaissance Fairs, complete with (some horribly) affected accents and a nod to the world of bondage, so I get a lot of knowledge second hand. True Beltane is the halfway point between the spring equinox and the summer sotstice, and doesn't always fall on May 1st, this year it appears to be May 5th, but whatever. The festival seems to be traditionally on May 1st and that is traditionally May Day. Its passing commemorates the beginning of the pastoral summer season. It is also the root of the modern Labor Day.

It is also marking a special, personal day for me. We are moving across the country soon, and the past week I've been working like a dog packing and stowing things away, loading a 53' trailer with most of my earthly belongings. The goal was to have the truck roll away at 12:00 midnight on Friday, but we missed that by a couple hours. Friday I started as soon as I dropped the kids off at school and worked continuously until 2:00 am Saturday morning. Sixteen hours of mostly uninterrupted packing and loading, with the notable exception of my son's band teacher calling at 2 in the afternoon saying my son was complaining of "not being able to breath". The band class was practicing for a concert for the next day. My son was very excited to go on this band trip, which was a statewide contest two hours away, and part of the trip was to go to Frontier City, an amusement park in Oklahoma City. The combination of stage fright, excitement of the band trip, the pressures of the contest, the amusement park, the sadness of moving away from his home and friends, the deadline of the move, the exertion from working on packing, missing his mother, (who had already moved), his natural claustrophobia (sitting so close together on stage) and the general dirtyness of kicking up so much old dust in the house had taken it's toll on him. So I talked with him a bit in the school office of what he wanted to do. He wanted to continue with practice, and so I let him off the hook for working the rest of the night. I'd take him to his grandparent's home where the air was clean and open and let him relax there for the night with his sister, while I worked. I was a little worried about them, as the grandparent's had driven to Minnesota a day previous to attend a funeral for my son's great great grand-aunt. I was worried about them staying alone, unsupervised, but they are old enough to do it, he's 12 and his sister is 9. At that age I was babysitting, so I felt they could be alone for the night. I gave them explicit instructions and sent them dinner and made sure my cell phone number was available to them in case there was a problem, and I'd call them every so often to check up. They were fine, except my daughter had a hard time getting herself to bed. She had a routine that she had since she was a baby, and theis was the very first time that mommy or daddy didn't tuck her in. A little reassurance call calmed her down and she was able to do it.
At 2 am we finished loading the truck, and I was beat tired. I still had to take my son to the school at 5:30, three and a half hours away, so I knew I couldn't completely collapse. I went to Grandma's house and took a power nap, woke up groggy but able to drive him there. I discovered I still couldn't rest. Too much adrenaline and caffeine running through my system. I played a little facebook game, looked around the destructo-house, at all the styrofoam bits and unused boxes, piles of shredded checks and loose tools laying about and groaned. More to do, but I wasn't doing any more at that time. I had to stop and recuperate. I went to grandma's and watched some stupid tv program until I finally fell asleep on the couch. I was tired, I stunk from sweat and grime, my back hurt, and I was worried about the welfare of the kids, plus a hundred little loose ends I had forgotten. I woke, took a quick shower and hit the bed.
I'm rested now, for the most part. I'm taking it easy, but still doing the work. There are still those hundreds of loose ends, but I thought I'd take a moment to blog some before I complete them all.

It's finally happening. We're moving, and starting a new chapter. And I'm scared and excited, nostalgic and hopeful. Confused yet assured. It's still hard to describe. I'll probably write more in the next week or so about it.

(the picture is from the website that will buff out of failblog. That is NOT my truck)

You are now a member of this group.

2011-04-19T08:13:00.001-07:00

There was a time when there was a distinct limit to how many groups you can join (25), but now it seems you can join up to 40. I received a notice about that from one of mine, but as there are ONE MILLION things that needs be done when I log in, I shelved that note and still haven't read it. Silly me, I should refer to it while writing this. But this entry isn't about how to do remove the limit, so the technicalities of it shall have to wait until I do read that note.

There are many reasons why one would join a group. Off the top of my head, I can think of three.
1.) You want to be notified of special events or upcoming sales. I think this is the most common reason. Why else would a shop or club have a group except to notify these events?
2.) To support a friend who is trying to establish him/herself or his/her group. I've done this several times. I am a member of the Fellowship of the Fourth Age, not because I spend a lot of time on the sim Alqualonde or because I'm a fan of JR Tolkien, (honestly, the saga bores the hell out of me) but because I was first a friend to AelKennyr Rhiano, one of the founding members. So now I receive scads of notices about the online story of what's going on there, and I have little reference to it.
3.) You want to be part of something. This is the game I play most often. The first group I ever joined was October Country, because one of the first places I hung out on regularly was Martian Wei's halloween-themed campfire. He streamed old time suspense radio programs like "The Shadow," and I adored this. I wanted to be closer to this kind of creativity. Later, as my Second Life character evolved, I joined several groups to reflect the changes Leigh was going through.

Most of the time now, the group notices I receive all get one quick scan and are tossed in the trash file. It's true, and I don't think this is an uncommon practice for may SL players. Only once in a while do I find a notice that I think is valuable enough to hang onto (an example being the note about groups limit above). Some of the groups I've joined are dead in the water from the get-go. Every once in a while, I'll post something in a seemingly dead group, trying to breath some life into it, and usually that effort is for the most part wasted. Usually someone will answer, but not so very much. Here's a sample (I made this up, it's not an actual conversation, but it is a typical one)

Leigh Eel pokes his head in the room. Helloooooo?
Friendly Person: hi
Another Member: wat's up
Leigh Eel: want to wish everyone a lovely hello
Friendly Person: ty. u2
Leigh Eel: thx. anything going on?
Friendly Person: not really. bored
(long pause here)
Leigh Eel: how bout a joke?
Another Member:
Leigh Eel: why does a gorilla have such big nostrils?
(*this is a standard ice-breaker joke. not terribly funny, but most people will laugh politely)
(another long pause. sometimes someone will ask "why?" but usually I just supply the answer if no one does)
Leigh Eel: becuz he's got big fingers

and it's about here that the conversation fizzles.

Maybe my jokes aren't that funny, that's ok. But really, can't someone make an effort? Granted there are times when there's a little spark and someone brings up something that someone else responds to, and a little life is brought into the group, but am I the only one who wants activity in the group? If so, why am I bothering? How many times does one try before giving up the ghost?

I'm noticing this in other social networks as well. Facebook, for example. I have two accounts, one for my real self, and one for Leigh. Most of the time, I've got fecebook set to my real self's account, because that's where my priorities lie. Every once in a while, once a month or so, I'll log into Leigh's account to see the activity, and guess what? nothing new. So why bother? Why do I keep the account? I dunno. Perennial hope, I guess. The last time I logged in I was seriously considering closing that account, because it seems the only thing it does for me is cause me despair in knowing that Leigh doesn't have that many friend, even though fb says he has 98. But to what end? Only a few have I actually met inworld, most sent me requests just because I have an account. Some I've met through blogger and reached out to facebook.

That gets into a whole nother topic: blogger. I'm not a terribly prolific blogger. Once a month, perhaps, and I keep saying I'll do it more often, but really? Who knows. I follow several blogs, and perhaps people stalking me look at what I follow and make judgements about me based on that, but so what? I'm not looking for statistics in friends, I'm looking for substance. I'm not going to drop someone whom I'm following unless I find that person to be mean or undesirable. Same goes for facebook. I've made the mistake of dropping people because I was in a snit or because some other very temporary emotion, and usually it winds up that the bridge is burnt. I'll drop someone who is unredeemingly racist or cruel, or beyond redemption or whatever, but I won't just because they have a difference of politics or worldview (That is, unless they are cruel etc). The world is made up of many differences, and so what if I disagree with the differences. Doesn't mean I'm right about all things, lol.

Ok, this is starting to ramble again, and I think I've made my point. Or maybe I haven't, and it was all just ramblings. Thoughts welcome.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated.

2011-02-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

Whoa boy. What a pickle. Which is to say I am in a pickle. And indeed, this is one of the toughest challenges I've come across. I think what I need for someone to say to me is, "it's not as bad as you think it is", but then again, I would probably dismiss such a statement.
Again, I'm using my SL blog to discuss my RL issues. If this somehow annoys you, well, here's the warning. Also the reasoning. I know I have a difficult time facing my RL issues in a RL theatre. I don't talk about it on facebook, and my RL journal (LiveJournal) has only one entry from way back a year ago or so, I haven't even logged in to that. One attraction of SL is its anonymity. I can express myself fully without having to explain to personal close friends what's going on.
Which, after writing that sentence down, seems kind of cowardly. (sad face) But it's where I am, and it's in the hand that I've been dealt, and so deal with it I must.
Anyone following my blog might know some of the background. So some of this might be redundant, but I believe in a tight, self-referential journal, so I'll probably repeat some information.
I am married. I am gay. When I got married, I told my self that having my feelings was a phase, and that it would pass, and I could have "a normal life". Those feelings did not pass. The woman I am married to is truly a wonderful person. Any straight guy should be so lucky. We have kids. Beautiful, intelligent, bright, funny kids. I held in my orientation for eight strong years, during which we as a family prospered. I personally, however, was not prospering, and towards the end of the lie, I was having great emotional and spiritual problems, because I was lying. I thought that finally saying something out loud would fix that. It proves again how much I was naive. Some personal, internal problems did fix themselves, yes. Complications arose, though, and complications grew like fractals. It was very confusing at times, and I found I was forced to make decisions within these confusing times. And now, here I am, in this pickle.
Rather than try to roadmap the turns I have made, with backtracking and trying alternate routes, I think the best way for me to approach this is by concentrating on the present, and to try to clear some of the psychological obstacles that hinder good decision-making.
Fact: While on SL I explored what it was like to be fully out of the closet. I attended virtual gay clubs, and had virtual relationships. I had been partnered twice, both to beautiful, good men. Both were dissolved. I am in another relationship now which has bridged the SL/RL separation, (we've grown to know each other better on facebook and via phone calls before SL). I want to proceed with our relationship and continue it.
Fact: My wife was devastated. We were good friends before we even started dating, and I truly want her to find happiness and fulfillment in her life. But because of this shock, she went through some terrible anguish, and still to this day is trying to cope. This is not a good place for her.
Fact: I love her and I want her to be happy, wherever it may take her. I also adore my children and want to play an active role in their growth and lives.
Fact: We, my wife and I, moved to another part of the country soon after our daughter was born for financial reasons. It was part of the country neither of us ever intended to settle down, but in hard times sometimes one must choose from what is available rather than what is ideal. It had always been our intention that Oklahoma was a steppingstone to our ideal settlement, and we made the best of it. It has proven to be a good place to live and to raise our kids, for the most part, and I discovered how judgmental I could be on a place that I knew very little about. Still, it was always intended to be a steppingstone home, and that's how we looked at it.
Fact: I am getting older. She is getting older. Our kids are getting older. My son turned 12 last month, he's almost a teenager. My sweet baby girl is now 9. They are fully legitimate people now. I feel like I'm running out of time.
Fact: I am mule-headed. When I get an idea in my head that I feel is the right thing to do, by gum, that's what I am going to do. I've done it in the past, and my family tapestry is rich with stubborn threads. In this case, I pushed a quantum leap, and that may have been a terrible mistake. And now I have to deal with the consequences.
To elaborate: Both my wife and I wanted to move on with our lives. I quit my job and spent a good month fixing up the house to ready it for sale. We put it on the market, and I moved to where we thought we would be moving, to Minnesota, our home state. The intention was that when the house sold, my wife and kids would come. I would have secured a job and built a foundation for that move. Neither has the house sold or I gotten a job. These are not good indications of things to come. I am in Minnesota, they are still in Oklahoma, and it's been 5 months. I worry that this long an absence will have devastating effect on our kids, and in my phone calls with them, I sense it is.
New Fact: My wife has an job opportunity that would take her to Pennsylvania and she is pretty much a shoe-in for the job. This one is new, I just found out about it over the weekend. We've talked about it. It would be a good opportunity for her. If it was just her, that'd be fine. but it's not just her, it would be the kids as well. And if they are in PA and I'm in MN, that's like 17 hours drive away, and that's too far for me to have that close active role in the kids' lives. I've already gone through this one in my head, before she got the opportunity. The guy that I'm interested in lives in Oregon. Both he and I want to pursue the relationship, but both of us are tied to our respective locations. I had entertained the possibility of moving out there before, but had always balked at it, because it was too far from where the kids would be. If my kids were in PA and I in MN, it wouldn't be any different if they were in OK or MN and I in OR.
Honestly, I have no objections to moving to PA, except minor, kinda whiny sounding ones. One being, "I just moved to Minnesota, I haven't even given this place a chance". Another being "I don't know anyone in PA, and I'll have to start life from scratch again." Yet the biggest concern I have is this: I feel that this will come between me and Steve (the guy in OR) and that we might not make it work because of the distance. I want to be with him, and a move to PA it seems would make it even more difficult for that to happen.
My resources are drying up. I'm not having success finding the happiness that I sought. I have a tangle of emotional problems including separation anxiety, self-depreciation (part of why I can't get a job), motivational problems, and on top of it all, I can't seem to convince my higher self that being gay is ok, no matter how accepting society is becoming towards it. I feel pressure from all sides to act now ("Strike while the iron's hot"), and unlike video games, I only have one life. There is no do-over.
So there you have it. That's my blog entry. These are the things that I'm thinking about and dealing with. I'm hoping that getting these things written down helps me figure some of it out. I'm travelling today to Oklahoma for a long weekend, and I hope to talk with my wife about how to make everything work out so that she can be happy, and that I can be happy, and that we can provide emotional and financial support for our children.

The Fool Jumps Blindly

2011-01-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a letter I wrote to a friend of mine. I'm still waiting on the response. While writing it, it came to me that I hadn't updated this blog for a while, and the content of the message pretty much summed up some of the things going on with me.

"I'm sorry for the dead-end conversation this weekend. I seem to be in a phase of pushing people away right now, it seems I have been doing it to many people. It's not a great thing I want to admit, because it makes people feel dejected, and really, that's not what I'm about. Or am I? Maybe it's my function to go around getting people's hopes up and then dashing them to disappointment. I seem to be pretty good at that. Mmm, I wonder if there's a way to incorporate that into my career? Promises Unfulfilled, Inc. is the business plan I seek.

"I have long had a problem with commitment. Not just in relationships, but in other areas as well. Solve a problem? well, let's take it apart bit by bit, and see if we can diagnose what the issue is.. thing is, one is supposed to learn things by how they are dismantled, of how it goes together, of how the parts interact with each other, etc; and once one figures out how is comes apart, one can presumably restore and put it back together again. Pretty standard tinkerer's thinking, there. But what if you're not learning anything by taking it apart? What if you disassemble for the sake of disassembly? What if one misjudges the resources available, and perhaps doesn't have time to put the pieces back together? What if someone just loses focus and interest in keeping it all together? Downward spiral. The value of the project is reduced to "just another thing I'm doing"

"Things change when one is relied upon, though, in a dramatic and spectacular way. When one has children to care for, one would put aside his/her own level of contentment to embrace the children's. I found that o be true, while raising my kids. I did things I would never in a million million years do on my own volition, and I loved doing it. Still hate Chuck E Cheese, but I'm glad I took my kids there, because they loved it. In your message, you mentioned your daughter needing care from you for the rest of her life. That's a hell of a greater commitment then taking the girls to a pizzeria. I hesitate to say anything, because in comparison, my problems are a breeze. I think. I don't know. my problems seem pretty heavy to me but I do think that they are temporary. How temporary? I don't know. I know you love her and that love will give you the strength to achieve greatness with her. I really respect that.

"I use communication in a marginly biased way. I only want to report the good news. I want to crow about how great things are going and to share my happiness. I don't want to talk about (perceived) failures, or depressions or funks, or how much I might hurt because of something I did, or how much I think I've hurt someone... I would rather tell you about a cool technology or sculpture, or something hilariously funny or whatever. I know that's unfair to me, but it is a habit I've picked up somewhere, and habits... you know... they're hard to break. They're easier to alter, I've found. and so changing one aspect of a habit can keep the habit, but bring about positive outcomes. On paper that looks good.

"I spend most of my time in shock, though, really. Shocked that I'm here, and not where i feel I should be, though to be honest, I didn't have a very good strategy to begin with. I'm shocked that I'm not near my kids. I'm shocked that I destroyed a woman's perception of reality (my wife's, which I'm hoping you got without me saying so). I'm shocked that my own concepts of happiness and bliss were WAY more in the realm of unicorns and bubbly streams than I previously thought. (I'm discovering that my naivete knows no bounds) And the most discouraging thing of all, maybe, is that I can't seem to work anything to my advantage. I can't seem to "get it together" long enough to produce satisfying results. That on top of I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, as well as my inability to learn from my own mistakes, I can look forward to a lifetime of taking blind leaps of faith.

"...Yeah...

"That garbage above, that's the stuff I don't want to communicate. And there's way more eating at my heart, and I don't want to burden anyone with my own problems. and This is the reason I didn't feel comfortable talking the other night. Because I know that talking out my problems will brand me a "loser" (which is admittedly a perception held by others and shouldn't affect me in the slighest, Mr. Rugged Individualist.) But I also have very little faith in my own abilities to see me out of this one. Poor poor me. Another pity party for me.

"Not many specifics in this message. I've moved. Living with a friend. He likes you. You'd dig him, too. you guys should go on a date, it'd be a natural. heh. Ok, that's my thought on that, and I said it, so there you go. I still have no idea what the next few months will bring, the last four weren't so great. Though they were significant, I'll admit that. Working hard on honing myself, I think, maybe. The tinkerer's habit. "

So, what can I say here to validate this entry as something more than a correspondence? Well, the first thing that I thought of is a Tarot card, The Fool. And I think in this case, reversed. New pathways opening up, the Fool epitomizes blind faith in allowing "the universe" to take care of him. And such is that. But how many times can the Fool jump? infinitesimal numbers, it would seem. and the purpose of the jump? Enlightenment and fulfillment. That is the purpose behind the lifestyle purported by the Tarot. To grow, and to thrive. Knowing this is not enough though. Knowing it leads to the moral of the Frog Doctor "Physician, Heal thyself".

I've had a problem with that fable, since I was little. It's one of Aesop's Fables, about a frog who claimed he could heal all the animals if only they would listen to his prescription. One fable critter (a fow, maybe? for sake of clarity, let's just say a fox) who was tired of hearing Frog boast of his prowess, snapped back, "oh ugly frog, why should we listen to you when you yourself have ugly, warty skin? Heal thyself, ugly frog, before tending to others." I don't have an issue with the idea of health being mirrored by perfect skin, mind you. I can place myself in the universe where the frog doctor actually needs medical attention for his skin condition. Fine. What i have a problem with is the presumption the fox bears that the frog IS ABLE to heal himself. The barber doesn't cut his own hair, now does he? The frog offers his wisdom to help and is quite Hippocratic about it, as I see, and he gets trounced by the fox, who, as I see it, is only undermining the frog's efforts and philanthropy.

At any rate. I am the Fool on this adventure, and I have already made my leap. I just worry that my faith is a strong enough parachute.

Settling in Minn.

2010-11-27T17:48:00.001-08:00

I'm on SL hiatus for the TG holidays. Won't return until probably next Mon or Tues. (maybe Sunday night, we'll see how the itinery works out.

If you have been following my misadventures, you already know that I'm not where I was a year ago, or even 3 months ago, in a very big way. Now, it seems I'm not where I was a month ago, either. If things keep going at this pace, every day will be radically different from the previous.
Currently, I am living in St. Paul, Minnesota, which is sorta "home turf" for me. I grew up in the middle of Minnesota, went to college in MN, and hovered around the border of Wisconsin/Minnesota for several years before we moved to Oklahoma. I have moved back to establish myself here and make a home for my wife and kids here. When our OK home is sold, they will move up here, and I should hope there's a place for them to live. My wife and I are still planning on divorce, due to my coming out of the closet, but there so far hasn't been a major push from either of us to make this a reality yet. We have a pretty good business arrangement set up, sorta. That makes it sound kind of cold and emotionless, but it's not. I still care for her well-being and I still love her and she to me as well. This gets into some deep things that I haven't even yet fully explored.
In SL, I have news to report that Opacus and I broke up. This was also due to some practicalities seeped with emotion. This past summer he had an opportunity in RL to advance his studies, which would take him away from SL for a couple months, and he let me know and we were both good with it. While he was gone, I was faithful, but I was also wooed. My thought when he returned was that things would go back to the way they were, but I was in the midst of my changing world, and he in his, and neither of us could fulfill our responsibilties and commitments to each other. I'm the one that suggested we go our separate ways, and he conceded. It was sad for both of us, but I'm hoping that it will also be beneficial to both of us. It's hard to say. From what I understand, Rico is still having a hard time getting in touch with me inworld, even though it's been about a year since our breakup. I've never claimed to understand the "ways of the heart" and it seems that I know even less about it now.
So I've been seeing this new person in SL. But we haven't committed ourselves to each other. He's the one for me though. Maybe committing to a relationship in a way jinxes it. I don't know. That's my feeling right now. Our SL relationship has spilled over into RL, and in a style and pace that is different than in SL. I'm willing to push forward with it in RL. I want to wait in SL, though.
Thing is, he's in Oregon, and I'm in Minnesota, and we're both unemployed, so neither of us can really afford the trip we both want to meet in person. We keep in touch though, through texts, and phone calls, and facebook messages. And keeping the faith, we'll meet, I'm sure. We're cultivating, yeah, that's what we're doing, cultivating.
Sigh. More to come.

Not what you may have expected.

2010-10-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

Didn't go inworld again. Am having some problems connecting to SL lately. Not internet-connecting, but like soul-connecting. When I started, long time ago, I was in discovery mode. I was a hobo noob, and everything was so fresh and shiny. Then I stopped for a few months, and then gave it another shot (I blogged about that before May 22nd's entry), and it was like a rejuvenation. Of course, that rejuvenation was connected to my RL's changes, and SL was right for me at the time. It was needed. Things change like they always do, and there was a previous time when I didn't feel a need for SL, but I kept at it, and eventually it became a part of my scheduled habits. That's fine. I wasn't obsessed with it anymore, but it was just something I did. Some people watch TV, some people read books (I understand there are still people who read books), I played SL. No big deal.
Lately though, I've been kinda bored with it. I'm having a hard time finding paths of discovery there, and that was the splice of SL for me. It became a glorified chat room, where the same people came on and did the same things and talked about the same stuff and it was always the same.
I do have an issue that I am avoiding. And maybe that's why I'm hesitant to log in. It has to do with Opacus, my partner, and I don't know if I should delve into this issue here before I talk with him. I have to admit that I have been avoiding him, and checking to see if he's online before I log in. I don't want to say anything here, because what if he reads this and finds out this way rather than me talking with him direct. Also, I don't think that the topic is suitable for a blog like this. Rather personal, you know.
Yes. definitely. There's an elephant in the room and this is it. Must talk with him and clear this up. I hate confrontations, but this I must do.

Crap.. sucky blog entry. Sorry folks. Move along... here's a anatomical picture of the torso muscles. Blarg.

Two Months > Five Years

2010-10-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm not on SL. Personal choice. Most of my days end up with me sitting in front of the comp, moving Mr. Eel around, doing whatever he's into at the moment. (Current activity is the MHOH #4, not that he needs more stuff, but its about the ride) Last blog was what? Aug 19. My god I don't get on here very much. Considering that the last two months I have had more activity than in the previous five years.
So quick update: Aug 2, I quit working at the zoo. Spent the next four weeks getting the house ready to put on the market. Sept 2, moved to Twin Cities (Minnesota, home state) and am staying at my brother's house until I can establish myself. When the house sells, my wife and kids will also move up here. So, been spending the past month adjusting to new life. It's been strange, sometimes harrowing, emotion-wise, but I don't regret one single solitary bit. The only part I don't like is the intrinsic part of not seeing my kids on a daily basis. I miss them. I call every day. They miss me too. Hope the house sells soon.
Part of the readjustment is the hard reality of finding a job. Today's job market is tough. It's tough all over. Been sending out resumes left and right. Finally, this week I have three interviews lined up. I went to one today. It's a housing remodeller job. Taking crappy houses and flipping them. I can do that. Felt good about the interview. I could very well be starting next Monday. Fingers crossed. Two more interviews to go.
Since I'm not having any parental responsibilities right now, I'm taking advantage of this and have gone to regular notebook journalling and drawing. I've been very productive in both these. Most of my journalling has been seeped with self examination and figuring out what wrong with me. And that was fine, because I needed to do that, but now, I feel pretty confident about myself, and most of my problems are external, not internal. So I'm trying to move my journalling into writing about things that interest me. I was having a hard time making this transitions, because I kept writing about myself. So I set myself a little challenge. I bought a brand new notebook, and on the first page I wrote "The word 'I' is not to appear in this book," meaning that I have to force myself to get myself out of the personal reflective and into something more universal. Guess what? It worked. I filled five pages of substantial thoughts without referring to myself at all. No more "I believe this and this" "I think such and such". It's more solid and palatable. In a journal, of course it's what I think or believe, no need to write that. I also feel I wrote more content in fewer words. So there you go.
Maybe I should take this rule to this blog? Heh, ok, maybe. The idea came to me when I was writing all these cover letters for the resumes. I had some friends look at them, and one comment was "Use fewer "I" statements." Really, it's a cover letter, not a treatise on what I believe. So anyway. Less on that.
Well, it's late and I have to get some good sleep for tomorrow's interview. It's for a party place, they host weddings and so forth and need properties designed and built, I've done that before, I can do that again. I like doing that. So i'm going to bed. Good night!

PS Cartoon above stolen from another website, Will remove or credit if requested.

Living On The Other Side Of My Life

2010-08-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

I was going to log on tonight, but SL was taking forever to load, and in the meantime I do what I normally do, stream Pandora and cruise the net. (was Scissor Sisters Hair Baby, now Tool's Rosetta Stone, I'll update it throughout this blog as I write, maybe.)

Upchurning of events in my RL. For those who knew, my RL job was that I worked as a carpenter in a zoo. Yes, yes, very interesting. News is though that as of August 3 I no longer am employed there. I decided to quit to work on the house so we can sell it and finally move on with life. so for the past couple weeks, I've been covered in paint, silicone, chlorine bleach, spackle and all sorts of cleaning and fixing-up concoctions to completely overturn this house to something of some value. It's coming along, and with any luck, we'll be able to put it on the market by next week. Once it's on the market, I will move ahead and my wife and the kids will stay behind until it sells. Hopefully it won't be long.

Believe by The Bravery

I really shouldn't be logging into SL and I shouldn't be playing around on facebook and Treasure Madness and other games. I shouldn't be following the debate of the Ground Zero mosque and the Defeat of Proposition 8 in California. I should be taping out the wall in the front room so I can paint the trim. I should be packing up all the doodads on the bookshelves and mantlepiece. I should do an extra load of laundry, I should be working. But I'm not. I'm fucking around on the internet.

Me, I'm Not by Nine Inch Nails.

I should be looking for a job when I move to St.Paul. I don't have one right now. In fact, me quitting work will be cutting our income in half. we have a little in savings, I'll be getting my vacation time comp check soon, and I'm cashing out my retirement for this move. We've decided that this woud be the course of action way long time ago. I'm scared shitless. In fact I haven't had a decentt BM for three days. (no, I'm kidding. My colon is fine really, thanks for the interest) I am nervous though. Change is always stressful and this is a big one. Life is coming at me full speed nowadays, and I hide from it with the internet.

Rise by Flobots

I've been looking forward to come on to SL lately, but I seem to be disappointed each night. I am unfocused and I ususally sit at my home skybox for a good long time, trying to figure out what to do. For most of the summer, Opacus has been offline, as he had gotten a very good opportunity in RL over the summer. He returned a couple weeks ago, but I mostly seem to be passing him on the log ins. I'm worried about us. I think I've drifted. I've gotten to know some other friends, and sometimes intimately, but I had always been faithful to Opacus. and now I'm uncertain. I do hope he doesn't stumble across this, but in a way I will accept the consequences if he does see this.

Wolf Drawn by Emancipator

I also haven't seen Rusty/Morty much these last few months. I became friends wit him in RL as well, and we know each other and contact via facebook. but he seems to have fallen off the grid. I miss him. He was sometimes invective, often stubborn and a little frustrating, but he's a good person and an honest one. Everyone has faults, but he rises above his faults, accepts that he is imperfect and strives to be a better person always. He has ruffled feathers before, and for someone who can't stand their feathers ruffled, he will hit on a tender spot, and sometimes cause undue relations with the unspecified sensativo.

God Put a Rainbow in the Clouds by Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys.

Dang that was a long one to write and the song was kinda short, so....

How To Handle Grownups by Ruckus Roboticus

Here I sit. It's after midnight, and I don't think I've come to any conclusions with this blog entry. I should find some sort of picture to add to this blog, to "spice it up" cause as everyone knows, style accessorizes substance. At least it should, I think. It shouldn't be more important that substance, but it make the substance palatable. Food is nourishing, but without spice, food isn't life. I should know. I grew up on Norwegian food, in which black pepper was the spiciest thing that one would add to anything.

What If We Give It Away? by REM

I don't feel very fulfilled with this posting, just like I don't feel very fulfilled with SL lately. Even facebook has lost some of it's charm. (please keep caustic statements at bay. I'm well aware of the sardon.) I suppose one can't expect to be fulfilled by every nuanced thing they do. Of course not. Life is drudgery, life is factory work. But it doesn't have to be, does it? Life can be fun and exciting, can't it? Ok now I'm verving between blind optimism and knee-jerk pessimism. Life is life and that what it is. It's not a box of chocolates. This paragraph is going in way too many directions.

Ramona by The Ramones

I love my wife, but we are going to separate, and divorce. Those who follow my ramblings closely know that I came out of the closet after being married to her for nine years. Went through the ringer with that one. all sorts of emotions and subconcious demons came bubbling to the surface. Last night a few more popped up. We had gotten into a fight. without getting into details. what came out of it was I realized I had been dishonest before and had strived to be honest since, but in that I had neglected being responsible. She discovered that she had some deep-seated trust issues that were very tender. By the end of the night we were not fighting. And really, that's all I care to reveal about that right now.

Live Before You Die by Social Disorder.

I think this is the last paragraph. and it's interesting that Pandora picked this song, since I had kinda touched on that topic earlier. I have always felt that this was a good message. I was alway a true believer that we are each given one life (that we know of) and that we are to make of it what we wish. That's why I quit the zoo, that's why I came clean with my wife, that's why I make some of the desicions that I make. Perhaps I have been unstimulated by internet stuff lately because I have relied on them too much to be a surrogate life. Honestly, the town I live in po-dunk. It's boring as hell, and it's the boring hell, not the interesting fire and brimstone one. We try to make the best of it we can , to have fun and live here, but, damn it's dull. That's the main reason I think I've relied on the internet. It's a little more cosmopolitan than Armpit, Oklahoma. But then again, so was the soup I had for dinner. I might be coming on SL much less often in the near future. I have a lot to do, and I'll be living on the other side of my life then, and it might actually be more interesting than the internet.

Oh crap, I gotta stop. A-ha's Take On Me just popped up. That's my cue.

Till the next time, Blog Heroes, keep being real, whatever that means.

So I'm on this journey, see?

2010-06-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

I feel like I ought to be blogging more. There seems to be a lot of flury lately and one good way for me is to write it down. Keeps a good record of what's going on and where I am at at a particuler time. Right now I feel like a tornado is right above me, trying to pull all aspects of my life away and spread my belongings and the things I desire and treasure asunder. To try to make it to the cellar door before the very foundation is pulled away.

But is that bad?

It's certainly one of the ways of the Tao, isn't it? When I was a younger man (omg, did I just say that????!!!) I used to know quite a bit of the teachings of Lao Tzu and others. Does anyone remember Benjamin Hoff's Tao of Pooh? I used to have a mental rolodex of popular and tried koans to help me along my journey. Yes, I did believe in the journey. I still do, but now I understand that the journey was not the romantic Don Juan type in which everyone will discover their inner magic by learning from a Mexican shaman in the desert after eating all that peyote. The journey is truly unique to each person, and I believe since it's one's own journey, one should approach it on one's own terms. You can call it a miracle, you could call it a coincidence, you can call it animism, or magic (with or without the "k"), you could call it Allah's will or The Force. There is practically a whole Dr. Suess book of names you can call your God. and you could capitalize the "G" because it's a proper noun, or you could give it a little "g" because it's a common noun, or you could put it in full caps, GOD, so that everyone in the back can hear it. You could stamp it on a coin to help you remember, or have the US Treasury do that for you.

Now, not so many koans. What is the sound of one had clapping when your country is under siege? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to use it, is it still potential fuel? how many angels can dance on the hole in a pipeline? When the hell will Sarah Palin's star fade? (Ok, that's a personal digression, must focus on task at hand) I'm older now, and I've asked fewer questions about "why" and have focused many questions on "how" How do you change the oil? How do you get a 2x4 board level? and, I think the most useless of all: How am I doing?

When perhaps I should be asking Why am I doing? To what end will my efforts bear fruit? A happier me? a more fulfilled sense of self and self of place? that cool rad tattoo and someone to tell its story to? a hole 6 foot under? All these are pleasant to think about, about rich rewards and a comfortable retirement, but once you achieve the ultimate goal what do you do next?

Ad nauseum into the aether of self-reflection. The questions will never stop piling up, it seems, and perhaps that tornado feeling I previously expressed are Mother Nature's (for those of you in the back, I said MOTHER NATURE) way of using my subconsicious to tell me to get rid of that stuff, that these are not the things I need to continue on my journey. or maybe I secretly like to shoot myself in the foot, to gain disadvantage so I can have a crutch to blame. But I don't like that one, it puts too much of the responsibility and accountability on me, that it is my own shortcomings that cause my failure and downfall. After all, without my shortcomings, wouldn't I be perfect? Of course I would be. :)

Once I have become perfect, things will be just posh.

Until then, I trudge along, on my journey, meeting Mexican shamen and discovering the addiction of facebook, and not doing the windows, what to do with the damn dog that ripped the siding off the house, and deciding the fate of my work, and figuring out how I and my wife can be fair to the kids, and still be able to to smell a rose now and again.

I'm hoping that the journey has some redeeming qualities, and by redeeming, I mean... well, I' sure you know what I mean.

Four Feet On The Ground

2010-05-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last blog that I have two things I wanted to talk about, one in RL and one in SL. I didn't get to the topic inworld, so I'm going to dedicate this entry to that subject.

I've tried many things in Second Life. As a noob, I spent many many days learning my way around, bumbling from one thing to another, not really knowing what I was doing. I didn't understand the usefulness of the Torley tutorials, the groups, blogs online that I've found, heck, I didn't even know how to make friends. The first sim that i became a regular at was October Country, a halloween based sim that played old horror radio programs from way back. I remember the first time I sat down on a log in front of a roaring fire and looked at the others that were there. Such a mishmash of characters, none like I had run into before. I sat between Batman and Pinhead and saw many zombies and ultragoths come in. (Later I found out that the Batman avatar was that freebie one that honestly isn't that great). I realized that second Life was a greater place than I realized in that people could express themselves as something other than regular people.

I was also at this time learning how to build things. I would find myself at various sandboxes, shaping and linking objects and playing with textures and the various coordinates. It was a blast! I eventually began building a character that was specific and unique, and I began defining who Leigh Eel was. I made him into a satyr. Granted a very modest one, one who wore a green jacket. Not a very carnal creature at all. but it was something I made all by myself, I didn't buy anything at all, in fact, I had a basic account and was determined not to put any money into this hobby. I had fun with it. I went to October Country and felt like I fit in better.

Real Life came rushing in, and I took a hiatus from Second Life for about 4 months, not logging in once. I still didnt' have any friends on a contact list, and I felt I had no obligations or specific desires to stay online. I had joined two groups while i was there, when I went to a party/social function, purely by accident. I joined Love Harbor, the group for the sim where the event took place, and I joined the DJ's fan club, his name was Arcadia, I believe. During my hiatus, I noticed that my email was piling up with notices from these two groups. I didn't use that email address for anything else, so I pretty much ignored it. After about 4 months, I decided I really had to do something with this pileup of notices. so I logged in, and dropped the two groups. I felt horrible about it, as if I let these people down.and I let the sim owner know how sorry I was. It's funny in retrospect, I think how innocent I was. Since I was online, I explored some, and discovered that October Country had expanded to cover an entire sim. it was very cool, and I had a great time. I went back online a few times and thought not too much about it.

If you know about my real life, this was right before I came out of the closet. I began thinking about SL a lot, and about how I could really express what I was dying to do in RL. I tenaciously scouted out some gay sims, embarrassment causing me to not interact too much. Any time anyone approached me, just to say hello, I tpped right out of there. My courage gradually grew, as I felt I did have the screen of anonymity on being online, but I still didn't want to commit myself or admit to myself anything. To alleviate my issue, I explored fantasy-based sims, since I was a satyr. I found a region called Metatheria, and there I was welcomed and invited to join their group. Pleased, over the next few days I explored the area, and went into the adjacent sim to the south, Chiaroscuro. I met more of the locals, including a very straightforward satyr named Arva. I cannot say how much I am indebtted to him, as my coming out to myself was bubbling to a full boil, and he was kind enough to listen and offer his time and opinions and let me know that it really was ok to be who I really was. I had grown fond of him.

One day, as I was driving home from work, I thought about what I was doing on Second Life, that it wasn't just a hobby anymore, it was more of a sketchbook of how I wanted to be in real life, with the bonus of trying new shapes out that I had only before dreamed about. I was very fascinated by centaurs, and I decided that I wanted a centaur look. I tried at one point to build one, but there were secrets of scripting that I just couldn't figure out. I decided to actually look for one from a vendor and see what I felt at the time. I found one that I really liked. The vendor was a shop called Hoof-It, who specialized in horses for riding, and horse avatars, and they had a avatar that was a centaur, and it was very well made. It was also 1200 Lindens. Since I was a cheapskate, I hemmed and hawed over this price, but I decided that since I had already invested so much time into the game, I could afford a little spending. I made my first Linden purchase and eager opened it up and wore it. It was so natural feeling, if that makes sense. I wore it all the time that I was in a fantasy based sim. I was home.

Since that time, I had gone through many phases. I went club hopping, I explored art scenes, I found cool music venues, I discovered the thrill of treasure hunting. I eventually came to comfort of being gay and was pretty happy with the time I was spending online. I made friends. Arva was my first. I remember when I said to him that I didn't have any contacts and he was so surprised that he introduced me to many folk in chiaroscuro, all of whom were more than welcoming to me. Archie, Thorn, GerardWay, Rammy, Grev, and many other good people whom I was happy to meet and know. There were also some dark times, in which I felt that the world was against me and that I couldn't trust anyone. I lost many friends this way, even though many of them remain on my contact list. at times I try to reconnect, but it doesn't always stick.

These phases didn't always conduce to being a centaur or a satyr, so I had my standard human form for these. There were many times when being human was more common than being a fantasy character for me, and I didn't fight it, because there was no need to.

This sorta brings me to what I wanted to say in the first place. Recently I changed my profile pic for Blogger. It was a pic of me leaning against a lamppost. It's now a pic of me as a centaur. I've been trying to foster more impetus for this character, more grounding. I've been reaching out to other centaur friends on SL slowly slowly. It does give me a feeling of confidence, to play this character. My centarur friend Annabelle said something to me once, which i will not forget. "Your have four feet on the ground. You are stable" Though it's not a very catchy mantra, it does hold some strength for me.

The downside of centaurs on SL is that it is difficult to find poseballs that work well, and dancing animations look very goofy. When invited to dance, I used the same tired joke: "I can't dance, I have two left feet." I really should find a better joke.

Well, that was what I wanted to say. It's not fantabulously interesting, but it's a slice of SLife, and was on my mind, so I said it. Good night.

Love and Marriage

2010-05-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

I have two things I want to blog about, and I wasn't sure if I should make them into two different entries or mash them into one. They aren't related at all, one is about SL goings-on and the other is about RL goings-on. Both are time sensitive, but I think my RL experience is more time sensitive, as it is about yesterday, May 3. The SL experience is more about what I'm going through lately in SL. I'll start on the RL one, I guess, since I set it up that way that I just did, and obviously, one absolutely cannot turn back and edit when one is in a stream of conscious-frame of writing.

So.

May 3.

What happened on May 3rd?

Hmmm.

Well.

It's a pretty significant date for me.

And for my wife.

At least it was.

On Sunday. we made a little campfire in the backyard, and had a talk. It has been a little over two years since I came out of the closet to her, and it has been a strange, bumpy, uncomfortable and painful rollercoaster ride. And now it seems the ride is coming to its rampdown. We agreed that we should consider ourseves as single people. We will get the papers filed and all the legal stuff done at some point, but as for our hearts, we are not married. That's kinda the way we started out the marriage too. We considered ourselves married and in our hearts we were. We had a child and later we decided that we would make it legal.

These past couple of years especially, nationwide, it has been a hot topic about gays getting married politically. This topic has affected many friends of mine in several ways. It really has made me think about the institution of marriage, and really what it means to be married. i feel that if a couple, gay or straight, feel it within themselves and with their own God in whatever form, that the marriage as a legal construct is mostly a political one. Who is permitted visitation and who is covered by health insurance, who has a right to the assets to a deceased partner's belongings and granting final wishes... these are in essence, legal and political matters and are not sacred by my definition. Marriage, as a holy union is something within the hearts of the couple involved. Everything else is ceremony and dogma.

The same holds true for divorce. At least I believe it should. A spiritual divorce is a releasing of that sacred bond, and in our case the we have come to that point. We have agreed upon it, a thus it is so. There are too many couples that are stuck in unhappy or worse, dangerous lives because they do not feel the sacred bonds that they are legally obligated to uphold.

I could go on and on about my opinion of marriage and the nuances of it socially and legally, but I do not feel I have the time right now at this sitting.

I made my little statement, and that was my only intent of this blog.
I love Theresa deeply. I care for her best interest and her well being. I treasure my time with her and I feel the respect from her for me. These are the goals of marriage, and we have attained that. With two happy, healthy children as a bonus.

And I release her.

Oops

2010-04-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Arghh! I accidently am following my own blog. I don't know how to stop following it, so I'm just gonna put this little note saying I am not egoistic, I am in fact quite incompetant. :P I went to the How to section and followed the directions, but that didn't work, so until I do figure it out, I'll just have to go on seeing what I have to say.

Goldman and Wolf

2010-04-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Happy beautiful day in April! The weather is just absolutely perfect here in the Bullseye of America. School is almost over for the kiddoes, and my son will be finishing up both elementary school and Cub Scouts this May. I've reached a good place with my work. I'm pretty comfortable with myself, even if I bemoan every once in a while. I've one little stitch right now.

Last Tuesday, like a sleeping Nordic god, Eyjafjallajokull erupted with a plume of ash and smoke that reached heights of 6 km, and stopped all air traffic to and from Northern Europe.

"So what?" I hear you say, and I noticed that you said it pretty non- caringly, I might add. "You live in Oklahoma, and the weather is 'absolutely perfect', dipshit."

Ok, so maybe you didn't call me dipshit, but at this point it still plays with my roundabout way of getting to a point.

This was also a week that my wife took a personal vacation to Paris.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I hear you realize, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. (dipshit)."

She was supposed to return Sunday day, but that was a no-go. CDG airport had cancelled all flights. So I spent the majority of my day on the phone with Expedia and Delta trying to figure out how to get her back so she could get to work on Tuesday. The best they could do was rebook her flight for this next Thursday (In two days at this writing.) at no extra cost. Once that was taken care of, I told her, "hey, go have fun. might as well." She got to stay in the hotel for the extra days. I called her work and told them what was going on. the only real expenses would be the extra hotel days and her daily expenses.

If you're gonna be stranded somewhere, it might as well be Paris.

So. In a way I got extra SL time. On the login page, if you have BG Images enabled, there will be a scene of a featured sim. Lately, being in the adventurous mood, I've been going to the first one that pops up, and I've landedin some pretty neat places. This particular night featured Ryu Valley, so I took it. I landed in a place where furries abound, in the Luskwood neighborhood. I'm not a furry, I'm a mythic, but it's not to far off, besides, when on an adventure, one must explore. So I did. I started out in the market place, of course. and as I waited for things to rez, I went to examine some of theitems for sale in Furryland as they finally came clear. One thing I noticed was a wolf avatar. It was well made, and there was a free Demo, so I took it and tried it on. I like they way it moved and I ran around the sim with it. even with the Blue word "demo" splashed on the side.

I ran around some more, and suddenly I spied something that made me stop and take notice. There was a volcano on the sim. I thought of my RL, and of the volcano in Iceland. I decided that if there were the old thematic gods of Greece, Rome, or Scandinavia, they would still exist and would probably want to be acknowledged, and so I made a little homage to Vulcan. Nothing grand, I must say. I bought the wolf avatar (which is even better than the demo, though a tad expensive, but an homage is an homage, is it not?) and I was a wolf for the rest of the evening. I growled and yipped and barked instead of talking. My friend MoRusty contacted me and I barked. He was a little confused, so I whined, and he decided to play along. I tpped him to the volcano and sat there staring at it and whining. I wanted him to understand my message, which was a pretty simple one: "My wife was stuck in Paris because of the volcano." MoRusty knew she was there, in a previous discussion, and the volcano was in the news, so I thought this would be pretty easy. I guessed wrong. he couldn't figure it out, as hard as he tried. So I tpped to an airport, (sorry can't remember which one right now) and tpped him there as well. I trotted about the hangar excitedly. Still he didn't quite get it. Then I tpped us to a sim called Paris 1900, which is actually a string of four sims, each with a Parisian name, and barked around underneath the Eiffel Tower (PS, I totally recommend these sims, they are very well made) until he gave up. I turned human again and explained what I had meant, and told himpoint blank what the message was. It seemed goldman's RPping was a little Rusty (This is a pun, btw.) and we spent the rest of the night talking about this n that.

It was a pretty good night. I hope Theresa is doing ok.

Shedding

2010-03-11T15:24:00.000-08:00

Haven't been blogging much lately. Last one was in late January. None in February. Now we're well into March. Well, a while ago this would have bothered me, but it doesn't anymore. I've been busy, no bones about it. If you read my last blog (and can remember it), you'd know that I have been going through some changes in my little world. Have these changes settled now, and that's why I'm writing? Not really. It seems the only constant is change as someone well-known once said (sorry folks, not checking references on this blog. You want to know who said it, google it yourself)

It's not fun change for me. It's very difficult. It's like a snake shedding his skin. Very painful and irriating. Supposedly it will feel better once I'm done shedding, but I have not that kind of foresight.

I'm trying to hold onto my core, of what makes me me, of identifying what makes me happy or confident or positive, but that is difficult to do as well, sice those factors seem to be shifting as well. I used to love art, for example. I could name and date hundreds of different paintings, by title and by artist, by year and movement, by influences and successors, purpose, reason, necessity, contribution. I would sit and stare at one painting for hours at a time, transfixed and in bliss, over and over and over again.

Now, I imagine it, and think "meh". Its importance is lost on me. I cannot feel passion for the things I used to. But I really wish I did. It's almost paradoxical in that I really really really really really want to feel passion.

It's tied to joy, I know it. and joy is something else I feel I'm missing. No joy, no zest.

Ok, sounds like another downer post, right? Well, the weird part is that I don't really feel down. I'm not upset or depressed, which is good, I think. It feels that this is the right direction, like it's destined or something. and maybe it is. Despite this lack of passion, I'm actually pretty chipper most of the time. The trivial day-today stuff really doesn't get me down. I can have a crappy day at work or at homje, but after a few days, something goes right, and the crappiness passes. It's the long-haul stuff that usually gets at me. Some people have called it "mid-life crisis", and honestly, it does kinda look like that. Well, mid-life crisis sucks, but so does just about every stage of life as we're going through it.

I'm not an advocate of pre-destiny, nor am I an opponant to it. It might happen, pre-destiny, that is. How the hell am I supposed to know? What I do know about destiny is this: Things happen all the time. And those things that happen are effects of causes. What I do now will affect my future. What I did yesterday affects my today. And unless everything were to stop and never to start again, something will happen next. It's guaranteed. And that thing that will happen next was caused by something. It had to have been. Nothing just doesn't happen, without a context. And so it was destined to happen from previous actions, thus was pre-destined. Just because I don't know what is to happen doesn't mean it won't.

Ok, that's your prattle for the month. Enjoy it :)

Changes in work, changes in life.

2010-01-23T11:39:00.001-08:00

What a week. I think this was maybe the hardest week I've gone through, at work and at home.

I work at a zoo, for those who don't know. I build exhibits, shipping crates, shift doors, tree stands, display cases, sign frames, and whatever else needs building. It's a pretty good job. I get to work with animal trainers and I get to know the animals on almost a personal level. I get to help develop educational exhibits on various biological topics, (loved doing the bioluminescence exhibit). Most everyone there are good to work with. I get some good benefits, health, dental, vision, good vacation time, after I passed my five years investiture, I get some nice money paid into my retirement fund. And I works side-by-side with a good staff. We have a graphics designer, a graphics printer, a sculptor/welder, and electronics guy (who is my best friend there) and me, the carpenter.

Those are the good things. The down sides include working with city government (Ssssslllllooooowwww------), and my supervisor. She's incompetent and a micromanager and feels she needs to get involved in every single detail of the zoo, even when they don't involve exhibits. She doesn't understand her place. And she makes it difficult for me and my co-staff to do our jobs, because she'd switch priorities at random times for what appears to be no reason, and would have to know the details of every single thing we do, even if the answers aren't possible to know. There are many other ways that she makes things difficult, which I can't go into at this time, because of time and computer memory constraints.

The economy of the whole country is a mess right now, and so is the economy of the city. In December, halfway through the fiscal year, the city was $10 million dollars in the hole. We just got a new mayor in November, the previous one spent money like it meant nothing, building a new city Hall, a new baseball stadium and a new events center. Then she made the choice to not run again. Bitch. So the new mayor looked at the budget when he got in and said "Holy shit! we have no money" We all knew it, even before he was elected, under the other mayor, we as workers had to encumber 8 furlough days to help with the budget. In December ALL spending froze. If I needed lumber or screws, Tough shit. Make do with what you have. The only spending that were not frozen was for animal care (food, medicine, etc) and public safety. Nice, eh?

the non=profit group that goes hand-in-hand with the zoo were raising funds to ship two giraffe cows from different parts of the country. Our previous giraffe cow died last summer from old age. The new ones arrived in late November. Wonderful for the zoo, good press, and hopes that the slough of animals that had died the previous year was to come to an end. We had already lost our Grizzly, our Polar Bear, two Alligators, a Kudu bull, a cheetah, and a matriarchal chimp. Our sharks were moved to a nearby aquarium so the tank could be rebuilt (not cheap) and so were our sea lions transported to another zoo so their exhibit could also be rebuilt. It was like death zoo. The planning for the shark tank didn't consider the lining, which would cost $25,000, and so that has been delayed, and by now the sharks had grown so large, they won't even fit in their tanks. The sea lion exhibit also met delays, and we might not even break ground for it until 2012, 5 years after the entire thing was supposed to be finished.

Our zoo director left in November, 2008. Better job in Hawaii. Operations Manager was interim director until a new one was hired in April. She had to learn the ropes of this new place, and had to deal with all this shit, on top of us in the exhibits department not being efficient due to our supervisor. Over the summer our department participated in dialogue seminars to try to help us iron out the difficulties. Didn't help much. We eventually got the attention of the union representative to talk to someone high up in HR to scrutinize our supervisor.

In November we got our giraffes. One arrived from California in good condition, the other came from Ohio. When she arrived, her neck seemed crooked. Our vet staff and Large Mammal curator and keepers examined her, provided muscle relaxers and did everything they could to comfort her, but her condition worsened until it deemed necessary that her have a surgery. She had a fracture in one of her neck vertebrae. During the procedure, she was given anesthesia. With smaller animals, this isn't usually a problem, but with large ungulates, there is a risk that the legs can give out when knocked out. And there are other risks too. Giraffes are such large animals that the right dosage is often hard to calculate. Too much and you risk putting her life, not enough and it won't be effective. I am not entirely sure what happened during the procedure, as the vet staff kept as much of it quiet as possible, but she didn't survive the anesthesia. She died.
Before Christmas, our area was threatened with a cold front coming from the south. It wound up being one of the widest temperature drops in the history of the area. All keepers took preventative measures to keep the barns warm. The temperature in giraffe barn is hard to regulate, being that it is 24 feet tall and very wide, but extra hay bales were brought in to block gaps in doors and leaks, extra propane heaters brought in. They did all they could. The building is over 25 years old, and there wasn't any money to build a new one soon. The other giraffe died from hypothermia, right around Christmas.

A terrible thing to happen. for sure. We lost two giraffes in as many months, and the press reported this and the locals began angrily questioning the zoo, stating that the zoo should be shut down, the keepers and Director should be fired (or worse!). There ought to be investigations! Someone should lose their job for this! It was vicious. There were investigations, and for both incidents, it was found that the zoo did everything they could. These things happen. Animals die all the time. It was just bad timing that these two giraffes died so close together and soon after their arrival.

Now, January of this year hit the city like a baseball bat. The mayor had a tough decision. paycuts or layoffs, throughout the city. The following couple weeks, there were countless meetings, negotiations, speculations and brouhaha. What came of all of it was layoffs. The City in total laid off 147 firefighters, 155 police officers, and 59 non-sworn employees, 10 of those from the zoo. My best friend from the zoo was laid off. Also, in our department, guess who? The woman who has driven our department to a screeching halt, has tarnished our name to the whole parks department, who has wasted precious time and money in misguided efforts, My supervisor was given the boot. I am not the kind of person to revel in other's misfortunes. It is not good news to lose your job. But I think, if anyone deserved it, it was her.

It will be a strange week at work this next one. The four of us will have to forge the way we do things, and we will also have to mourn the layoffs of all our friends who lost their jobs.

At home, things have not been well either. those who have been following my blog will know that about two years ago I came out of the closet to my wife of (now) ten and a half years. We decided the best thing for both of us is to separate and eventually divorce so that we both can move on. Neither of us relished the idea, because we do both love each other, but it is the right thing to do.
Last week, our son woke up at four o'clock throwing up. He had eaten too much junk food the previous day, he wasn't sick with a bug or anything. I spelpt through it, as I was dead tired from the happenings at work. When I did wake, I saw him sitting on the couch, pretty sad-looking. My wife had taken care of him overnight, I tried my best to help him, but every suggestion that I made, she took issue with. i got fed up with it and called her on it. We got into a major argument. Eventually we both realized that the argument wasn't about the care for our son, but it was that our progression seemed to be not progressing. We both calmed down about it. I went to work, but this was weighing so heavily my mind I could concentrate on work. I went home and allowed my wife to sleep. After she woke, we discussed things, and we decided that the first thing we should do is not sleep in the same room anymore. Eventually, I shall move out, to my home state, and begin life as a single man again, and she shall stay until the house is sold. When it does, then she will decide if she wants to move to near where I am, or if she will have explore other opportunities. Either way, life will not be the same.

I'm tired of writing this down. There is a lot more behind this, but I can only type so much without becoming exhausted and a little overwhelmed. If any of you readers have questions, I'll do my best to answer them. If you don't, that's fine too.

Have a good day.

Have You Seen This Hot Astrologer?

2009-12-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

Sitting here in the taint between Christmas and New Years, feeling a little off in tha moment, but in general am doing fine. My Christmas was well, whatever, average, I suppose. I have this sense that the more Christmases I experience, the less spectacular they will be. The more you have, I think, the less you value, maybe. I don't know.

I have filled out the application for grad school, and I sent it in about a week ago. It's due by Jan 5, for the fall of 2010, which is now less than a year away. I filled out the application to the specific department, which isn't due until March, I just have to send it in, want to find out if they want it mailed or faxed. The next things to do are to work on my portfolio, and to apply for financial aid, and I can't apply for financial aid until February, because I need the year's tax forms, and those won't be ready until then. So, I guess the next thing for me to do is to hit the portfolio hard and heavy. I can do that, for sure.

I went to work today. This time of year is always strange for work. I worked four days the week before Christmas, took Friday off, so had a three day weekend, worked Mon and Tues last week and had Wed through Sun off, and today and tomorrow I work, and then I don't go in again until next Monday. Lots of time to goof off, eh? Or lots of time to get busy with things I need to do without work. I wonder which will win out? So I went to work today and was totally unproductive. Our department is under a spending freeze, so I can't get any wood, paint, hardware, anything until the City figures out how to balance the budget. It's very draining, emotionally wise, and ambitions are running low. Almost all my projects are frozen and will continue to be so for a while. It's a good reason to find other opportunities.

The whole day has been off. I feel like I'm straddling many different worlds, present work and future grad school, marriage and separation, Oklahoma and Minnesota, straight life and gay life. I'm not a new age-y person, but I found a horoscope that has proven to be pretty accurate about the goings-on of my life. It's called SoulgardenTV, and you can find it on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/user/SoulGardenTV . It's friendly, palatable and relatable, not like Ms. Cleo with the fake Jamaican accent and the crystal ball hoohaw. Take it for what it presents itself to be. Plus the "Stand-up Astologer," Christopher Witecki, is so damn cute.
Anyway, when I'm not staring at him, I am actually listening to what he has to say , and this week is a week of major transformations of what we are to what we will become, and this odd feeling I am having is just a part of that. Even without this base, I can fall to my old standby, "This too, shall pass" and know that things will work themselves out. I just have to go through some lumpy times. And now I can do that while watching a babe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

That feels weird, talking like that. Talking about cute guys like I did.. I feel like a perv. Well, no, I don't feel like a perv. I never talk like that, though. It doesn't feel natural. So now I go to my inner dialogue:

Me: What a hunk! omg, did I just say that?

Inner me: yeah. you just said that.

Me: That's wrong for me to talk like that.

Inner me: Why is it wrong?

Me: I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.

Inner me: do you think he's cute?

Me: Yeah

Inner me: So it's ok to express that.

Me: Well, alright, but it doesn't seem natural.

Inner me: Why not?

Me: Because I never have talked like that before.

Inner me: ...and that is because...

Me: because I was in the closet?

Inner me: and being in the closet caused you to do what?

Me: Suppress my desires.

Inner me: and because you suppress your desires, what happened?

Me: I didn't strive for my desires.

Inner me: and now you are...?

Me: ...regretting it.

pause

Me: but it still feels wrong. It objectifies him as eye candy, something to look at. Nothing more, and I don't do that to people. I know there is more to a person than the way he or she looks or appears.

Inner me: and by saying that you think he is cute, you think you are saying that he is only cute and nothing more?

Me: no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying..that his inner qualities are broader than his appearance.

I'm not a perv.

Inner me: do you want to have sex with him?

Me: I want to have sex with anyone.

Inner me: excuse me?

Ok, I think that's enough inner dialogue for right now.... Till next time!

Adding Apples

2009-11-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning andsaw the kids watching Saturday morning cartoons. Jack was eating cereal on a little tv table, and Lilly was upside down in the Lay-z-boy. I wiped some of the eye crust from my eyes and stumbled into the kitchen where I made some coffee, and loaded the dishwasher when I saw that Lilly's homework on the counter.

"Lilly, you were supposta do your homework yesterday!" I reminded her.

She bounced into the kitchen and said in her trademark fast speak "Ohyeah iforgottodothat." She gathered up the papers and went back to the tv room and started setting herself up.

After a few minutes she called out, "Daaaaaaad, I need your help!"

I looked over her shoulder and looked at the page of additions and subtractions she was working on. About 120 problems were lined out like an anal retentive's M&Ms on the sheet and she was right about in the middle of them. Simple problems of adding and subtracting single digit numbers.

"What's 6 take away 4?" she asked as she bounced up and down in the chair. She had written a 2 for the answer. "Is this right?"

I asked her if she was taught how to check her work by adding her answer with the bottom number to get the top number. She is more confident at adding than subtracting. "2 plus 4 is... 6!" she squealed and she waved her arms in the air. She almost stabbed me with her pencil.

"Yes," I smiled "that's how you check your work."

"Butsomeoftheseareaddingandsomearesubtractingandthey'reallmixedup,daddy"

"You know how to check your adding?" She nodded enthusiastically. "Do you need me to help you any more?" She shook here head without transisitioning and with just as much energy. "Okay, bobble-head, you're doing great!" She giggled to the pet name as I went back to the kitchen to finish the dishes.

With the coffee poured, the dishwasher on, the girls cratching her pencil on paper and cartoon voices emitting from the television, I went outside, I went outside for my morning smoke and I thought about that interaction with her. I'm no great mathematics theorist, like my brother is, but I like to play with ideas in my head. I started wondering about checking math. Isn't it interesting that the way you check Addition is the same way that you check Subtraction. Add the sum to the subtractor and you get the origin number in Subtraction. Minus the difference from the second second number to get the first number in Addition. Pretty easy stuff, really, for an adult. but the interesting part comes in when you try to do the checking with the opposite numbers. In Addition, you can sutract either either or the numbers from the sum to get the other number, but in Subtraction, this doesn't happen. This is easier to illustrate than to explain.

I'll use these simple problems: 4+5=9 and 8-6=2.

In checking addition, you can say either 9-4=5 or 9-5=4. Either way the sum is the same amount. In checking subtraction it doesn't work the same way. 2+6=8, which is correct checking, but 2+8 does not equal 8, it equals 10.

So that led me to this pondering: In Addition, does it really matter in what order the addition numbers are. 4+5=5+4=9, correct? Yes, of course it's correct. but are they the same numbers? is the 4 in the first equation the same as the 4 in the second equation? I say they are not. If you have 4 apple and your friend loans you 5 more apples, you are holding 9 apples. If you have 5 apples and your friend loans you 4 apples, you are holding 9 apples. but when it comes time to returning your apples to your friend, you have a real dilemma. do you give him 4 apples or 5 apples? Breaking it down to numbers, 4+5 does not equal 5+4, because what you start out with must be the same as you end with when checking. If you were holding 8 apples and you loaned 6 of them to your friend, you would be left hold 2 apples, and when your friend returned those to you, you would have 8 again, not 10.

Hmm. So what am I getting at? I'm not really sure. I guess what I'm saying is that by checking your addition it is important to know that the problem 4+5 is not the same as 5+4, even though the sums might both be 9, they are different 9s with different qualities. And THAT I think is what was interesting to me. That 9 does not always equal 9 fully. Each number has different qualities depending on its own unique history.

That's enough of that. Lilly came in wants a snack.

"What do you want for a snack, Lilly?"

She smiles and wiggles around "Can I have an apple, Daddy?"

"Absolutely"

"Can you cut it up?"

"ok"

She looks at me seriously. "Only cut it into six pieces this time, please, not eight like last time," is her explicit request.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I can't eat eight slices."

Post-partum

2009-11-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

/me crashes on the couch, exhausted

Sunday was the end of the Make him Over Hunt 2, and I finished it at the eleventh hour. I had been dillying and dallying with this hunt over the past month, and in the last week, I crammed in finding as many of the symbols as I could. I turned the little eyeball off for everyone so I could streamline it as much as possible (apologies to anyone who was trying to reach me), and I ignored lucky chairs and other freebies. (well, I hit a few). I almost thought I wouldn't make it, but I did.

I have this love/hate relationship with these hunts, and I don't know why. I love the challenge and fun of finding something that has been so impishly and cleverly hidden, I love the banter on the group chat window, most of the stores are very nice, and besides, free shit! Not that I need more free stuff. My inventory has buckled and bloated over my personal limit of 2ok, like an over-yeasted bread roll and I decide to go on another treasure hunt? I must like banging my head against the wall searching through that stuff. But it's fun. The hate part I think is that it does take all my focus away from other things going on in SL, and now that I'm done, I'll have my share of post-partum set in, and I'll just wander about trying to think of how to occupy myself. Organize the treasures will of course be one thing to do, but otherwise? don't know.

I kinda miss the clubs, and I kinda miss the rpping in fantasy realms. I'll probably do that for a while. I don't see any hunts on the radar that really grab my attention, so I'll cool it with those. I still need to define myself, as to what the hell does it mean to be Leigh Eel. Leigh is an extension of my RL persona, (Real name Greg, btw, if anyone is interested) as is the case with most SLlers. Of course I missed Opacus, but I never put him off when he calls. He's the main reason for the dilly-dallying that I mentioned.

There was a party after the hunt, but it was Sunday morning, and I didn't really didn't intend to be online that morning. Was going to do a bunch of housework (God, the garage is such a pit) but my obsession overcame. What good is an obsession if it doesn't overcome? So after the hunt, I skipped the party, even though I would have liked to meet some of the guys who were also hunting, but well.. wait until MHOH3... (btw there is talks about a third one... if you are interested in getting some nice stuff, it'd be a good opportunity.)

Now, back to aimless wanderings...

Hoorayi

2009-11-08T15:26:00.001-08:00

Whoa, when I neglect something I really neglect it. The Mums are dried up, the dog is starving and there are no more clean dishes in the cupboards. and when was the last update? Hmm.. I remember the subject was Opacus and I getting partnered, I suppose I could give a little update on that. It's pure wonderfulness. The end.
Is probably the reason I have been neglecting things, too. I haven't done too much Rpping online, and haven't been very social, either. My RL is gearing up and I am online less often than before. What has happened is I would get online and not really have anyplace to go, or to see and would spend most of my time going through inventory. Whoopie. That is sarcasm. it is the exact opposite of Whoopie!, in fact there should be a punctuation mark invented just to show how not "Whoopie!" it is, the anti-exclamation mark. Whoopiei Yayi Hurrahi
Whatever.
I've been doing treasure hunts online. Make Him Over is having a sequel, and I'm halfheartedly doing that. I don't need more clothes and skins and stuff, I just like searching, and if I don't complete it all, that's ok. One of the past treasure hunts had a party afterwards, which I didn't know about until too late. I wonder if MHOH2 will. I think I'd go to that, I'll take off my antisocial hat and practice my woot woot.
Wooti Wooti
Opacus isn't spending too much time on Avilion, either. Apparantly there was a falling out when a key player decided to retire from SL and there was some miscommunication as to who the next leader was going to be, and some unpleasant exchanges were made between the combat classes and the owner of the sim. I don't feel I have enough information to explain this in great detail, so I'll just leave it at this. Sore feelings were had.
Morty has been keeping contact with me, and a few others as well.. Lenny and Daffyd, Tiffy, Del, Gaffer and frankie, and a few others. I met a new fella named Orion (sweet guy, I think he's single. I'm not though, if I were, I surely would try a little harder to attract his attentions) I don't see Rammy and Rico nearly as often as I'd like (hint hint, Rammy, I know you're reading this) but I do know they are busy with RL.
I haven't kept up with the blogroll either, so if there's fascinating news to be had from those I normally read, sorry guys, I'll try to catch up.
Not a grand post. no lofty thoughts or anything. I just moved a ton of flagstones to re-do my sidewalk, and so all my energies have been going into my back rather than into my brain, So if you're looking for something zen-like, well, you might have to read it again and plug your own zen-desire into some wordage I may have not intented. It's cool, I don't mind. I'll blog again, I'm sure. See ya around!

Light and Opaque

2009-08-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

It wasn't prearranged. Opacus and I were hanging out. And it happened, quite organically.

First, some catch-up:

I've been doing some treasure hunts lately. Gridwide ones. I did the Make Him Over Hunt, and then the GLBT one, and the Just For The Guys one. Also casually picked up some other ones like the one with the magnifying glass and the one with the beachball. One sure way to expand your inventory like some treasure hunts. Most of it was good stuff, though. Don't remember which one it was, but one of the prizes was three sion eggs. Hadn't heard of this before, but I tried it out. Was absolutely thrilled to find out I had living chickies

Thing about these chickens is the need to eat. and they need to sleep and they need daylight and night light. My skybox is in chiaroscuro, as I mentioned before, which is a private sim owned by Greville Oh. And he had the sun fixed to daylight there, which to me didn't matter one way or the other.But now the chickens needed the sun unfixed in the sky, cause they went into status for four days in a row. So I contacted him and he said he'd do it, no problem.. So that was good.

Then I went to Colorado in RL vacation for a week, and asked Mortyian Emor to feed the chickens.. He'said he would, no problem. Thanks I said, and went on my merry way. I came back a week later, and found the chickens asleep in stasis. When Morty and Greville talked to me later, I found out what happened. Morty wasn't able to feed the chickens because the food kept disappearing due to auto-return. So he talked to Grev and Grev set the sun, because the chickens don't need food whent they are asleep. When I told him I was back from vacation, Greville unfixed the sun again.

Apparantly this didn't affect the chickens.. they were in stasis again for another 4 days. I decided that that was that. And so I bought a plot of mainland to raise the chickens. I have a premium account and had never claimed my land, so now was as good a time as any. I looked around the grid for a while, kinda seeing what was out the, when I realized that my friend Tiffy had some land and she had said that her and her neighbors were a really tight, friendly group who got along well. I liked the idea of knowing who the neighbors are and liking them, so I asked if there was any land nearby for sale, and yes there was. I am now neighbors with Tiffy Vella and her pet rhinocerous Ionesco. So I set up a tipi and chicken coop and a little pond and made a happy little home.

So yesterday I came online and was trying to clean up my inventory in Chiaroscuro, which is a never ending job with all these treasure hunt items. And I noticed Opacus was on. I called him up and said hello, and we had some pleasantries :) He reminded me that my chickens were almost out of food, so I rushed over to them and set up a bowl. He was waiting for me there. That taken care of, we tried to figure out what to do. I'd rather do stuff with Opacus than do stupid ol inventory any day.

We bounced around to several sims. got a free quilt and Bible, and went down a waterslide. He did some 7 seas fishing, which I never got into. and then bounced around some more, went to some lame freebies shop, and trying to figure out to do, I suggested we go to Jungle Wear, where at least we could figure it out in a decent shop. So we went there, and I bought myself some decent chest hair. Still couldn't figure out what to do, so I found a porch swing and he and I just sat on it for a while, enjoying each other's company.

We talked about this and that, little stuff and eventually we talked about bigger stuff. I asked him if he ever thought of partnering with me and he said he had, and I told him I had too. And I said I would like to do it with him and he wanted to too, and it got really swell and great and we got partnered right there on the spot! It wasn't prearranged at all.

We don't have any sort of ceremony planned. which isn't to say there won't be one, but we didn't plan any of this, just did it. I contacted Leniad to see if there was anywhere he would suggest we go to celebratw, and he suggested a pool party at Sweetgrass, and we went there.. It was loud and busy and I made an announcement in local chat to everyone, but it was soon drowned out by the Woot Woots, which was ok for me. The Dj or host kept calling me Light, apparantly not reading my name right. and I liked how that worked with Opacus' name, which derives from opaque.

So Light partners with Opaque this day of August 2, 2009.

Crystallized Moments

2009-07-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's funny, art is.. the way it captures a moment and freezes it in time. A photo still, a written word, a melody crystalizes a moment and suddenly this pure energy is given edges where context and meaning can grip and hold the moment.

If you've ever taken a photograph that was...just...perfect..., you know what I mean. Or if you've ever said the exact phrase that solved a problem eloquently and succinctly, the type of phrase you stop to taste and savor, you have had a touch of art. And these things happened, forgotten if not recorded. If the timing was off, a passing car's squealing tires would mar a symphony, and the child's bee-like attention would blur the photo.

There is a reason why there are masterpieces in the world. There is a reason Edvard Munch's The Scream is terrifying and laughable at once. Salvador Dali's devotion and dedication to his wife Gala are intricately wedged between bowls of rotten fruit and stilted tigers. Painting require attention and time, unlke a photo, which is immediate. But it's not the process of painting that garners the genius, and sometimes it's not even the painting itself. Sometimes its the story around the painting. Grant Wood's American Gothic was a flop when it was first display. It won 300 dollars in a contest, but then became sort of a laughing stock of mid-America. Almost eighty years later it is the pivotal litmus test of Midwestern American Art, the comparison.

As I reread my earlier blog articles, I am somewhat confounded as to why I may have said this or that, whether what I said is actually true, or only slivenly true. Not that I would lie. I have no reason to lie. But I might be neglecting important elements to the story or portraying only a singular perspective. There is always more that one can put onto a story or essay. Despite the photo's indication, the child doesn't always sit so still.

The Best versus The Great

2009-07-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, I reserve myself to being a casual blogger. Last one was a month ago, and I hadn't even touched on the millions of issues that I wish to write about. But all one can do is make an effort, correct?

So perhaps my ambitions are too high for my output. This is my own opinion. For a very long time, I feel, I have been quite lazy about making efforts. In a sense, I have felt worn out, overworked, under-appreciated, and unfulfilled. And it is my hope that that stone has been turned over. Since last October I have been going to a therapist (in RL) for a variety of reasons, primarily depression and angst towards my changing life. And since then, numerous events have changed in my life. My last therapy session was this past Tuesday, and by last I don't just mean my latest. It was my last session, for both my therapist and I feel I have developed the specific tools that I need to overcome my particular issues. I should only need to visit her if my depressions and anxieties are too overwelming for me for me to cope ably. Also these past few weeks, the department in which I work has had some major rennovations in how we the members deal with each other as individuals and as a team. At first, the consensus was that the activities we participated would be merely the latest attempt to fix an unfixable problem. It seemed to most of us the only remedy was an amputation of workers. This past week has been an eye opener for all of us in the department, I feel, and I think we may be on the right track.

I joined facebook, both in real life and for my SL persona. (you may request friendship, if you so wish. I don't think I'd turn anyone away) and i reunited with friends from WAAYY back.. and in a more reflective moment, I realized that the past is the past, and one cannot redo it, though one can learn from it.. That was also an important revelation that we came upon in our work rennovation.

And the future is and always will be malleable. The only certainty is death, but we cannot know the details of that. So what does that leave us? Obviously that leaves us only with the present. This is not a major world shaking revelation.. Countless generations have discovered this before I have, and I have known this before, as well. But sometimes it's important to return to the idea, you know, every once in a while, to help us find out where are feet are planted.

I know I have potential for great things, and I know that I have accomplished great things. I hope and expect to do great things in the future. But what makes them so great? there are manhy historical examples of people we nowadays consider "great", who themselves may have, in their own context have actually been pretty regular people who did the best they could. Thomas Edison, for example, was considered "addled" as a child, but he went on to change the entire 20th century. His first patent was a flop, and one of his inventions killed a man (the flouroscope). He was also deaf since the age of 12. Knowing these "failures" of such a highly esteemed man brings him off his pedestal a little bit, and makes him a bit more "human".

I make mistakes. Some I admit to and some I do not. And some I am aware of and some I am not. Being "great" doesn't mean infallible, nor does it mean being famous or acclaimed. There are millions, billions of great people in the past and in the present who go about their daily lives with no acknowledgement. One shouldn't be so worried about "greatness" as I often am. One should perhaps be more concerned about being and doing the best one can.

Is a little reminder to myself.

One hand on getting a grip.

2009-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I spent a good amount of e-ink on a self pity. I bemoaned the use of this blog for being anything more than a narcissistic attempt for attention. For this I am greatly embarrassed. I sounded like a whiner and under normal conditions I would just have those feelings and not express them in a public way, as eventually those feelings do pass and I come around again.
And that has happened. I'm not as mopey as I was, my depression passed and I've resolved my infidelity issues inworld. At least for the time being. I do think that, embarrassment aside, I have gained something from my little pity party. I appreciate the responses from that last post, from Rammy and Spanki, and I believe what I must do is try to FIX those things that are causing my such duress.
Oh boy. Fix them? That's like trying to eat a dinosaur with a taste spoon. I can't even identify all the problems I have, much less apply a solution to them.
But, really, that's why I subtitled my blog "Getting a Grip" (well, that and it worked pretty good with the Slippery Eel title.) It's to try to work out some problems I have and secondarily to chronicle my experiences in SL. I'm not hard-nosed about the mission of the blog, as I tend to ramble from subject to subject and sometimes I lose my way. But I do find that with that technique, one runs across some gems that otherwise would have been overlooked. It's not like I'm being paid to do this.
SL offers me a grand opportunity to explore some corners of my soul that I would not have attempted in RL where my name is my honor and my honor is held by me under lock and key. There are certain things I would not do in RL that I really must do, such as coming out of the closet, and accepting my geekness as a strength rather than as a liability. In RL, I live a rather ordinary life, I think, but in SL, I can attempt anything if I put my mind to it. I sense a worry though, in that I am starting to see a crystallization of my being "Leigh Eel" as a testimony for the actions I do in SL, and I'm losing some of the freedoms of association that I had when I began my SL quest. This is probably the main reason why I had the urge to clear my friends list, as associations mean preconceptions, and I worry that I will lose the impetus to grow as a real person if I must carry the baggage of a second identity along with the first one. I won't clear my friends list. I did that once, and I regretted it. In fact, there is one person whom I did clear and haven't refriended and often I wonder if I have hurt that person. Perhaps I should contact him.

As I've grown on SL, I have discovered a great number of wonderous things, and I have branched out in my ways of discovery. Following blogs is one example of this. I started out following a couple, personal blogs, and then I started examining other blogs that my friends had been following, and some of them were very very interesting. One extraordinary blog is Bettina Tizzy's Not Possible in Real Life. If you are familiar with NPIRL, I don't have to explain it, if you are not familiar with it, I cannot explain it, check it out for yourself (link is on this page).
This is a prime example of the paradox of my feelings towards other people. I am constantly amazed at the possibilities that other people have strived and achieved, and thus I have deep admiration for those who do achieve. On the other hand, it distresses me that I do not strive to do the most I can for myself. Her latest blog entry that I read was focused on Flea Bussy and Grendel's Children (which I totally recommend as well) I read that entry and became saddened for myself, because I have not achieved a similar SL success. After almost two years, I'm still bumbling about not having learned scripting, animations, or even uploading sounds. I will say that I do have strength in building, but what good is a tuba if you can't play it? And how does it benefit me if I have no idea how to sell it? So I hear about those who have marvelous successes and I tinge with jealousy, because I COULD be doing that, but instead I simply don't. I still like seeing the wonders that are available, but am I only about experiencing things? I don't want to be. I want to leave a legacy, and I feel that I am not

Oh hell, another long entry, and I still have mountains to say. Will have to save it for another time.

Current Events in Eel's Life

2009-06-24T15:56:00.001-07:00

Been over a month since I last posted a blog, and I think that can be accounted for lack of interest. I just don't think I have anything that pertinant to say. In an earlier posting, I mentioned the purpose of the blog was for me to write for myself, to just jot down ideas or experiences or whatnot. And I believed that. At least, I told myself that.
Honestly, though, I was secretly hoping for feedback as well, and since my blogs had had such poor feedback, I figured, why bother? I can talk to myself all day long and not have to worry about punctuation. So I kind of just left it alone, gathering cobwebs and being a blobby thing that requested love and attention. Which it didn't get, so has become this neglected little plant in a small terra cotta pot sitting on a sill somewhere with brown crispy leaves.
So what do I say has been going on? I did that Make Him Over hunt and increased my inventory by 2,000 items! omg, and its all becasue of the packing amterial (The LM's and notecards), most of which ought to be just pitched. I fought a bout of depression, a small one, which only lasted a week. I avoided friends and get-togethers, and at one point was about ready to completely clear my entire friends list. I posed for a picture book about a centaur and a mermaid falling in love, and was rewarded with a beautiful new centaur skin, Palomino, thanks to Annabelle Fanshaw. That brings me up to six centaur avs I have.
My commitment to Opacus was tried, and good news! I passed. I was so worried that I was being unfaithful to him, when first I got into a heavy petting session with a friend, and then later started some heavy flirting with a new satyr (new to me, that is..) I won't mention his name, out of respect, and the result was for me to really look hard at my values and commitments. The new satyr and I are still friends, though we clearly established a platonic relationship. I talked to Opacus about it, and he said that it was ok if I wanted to flirt and stuff, since he does that as part of his rpping in Avilion, as long as I stayed true to my real feelings.
I'm so lucky to be with him.
What else? I set up some of my art in my windmill for display. I'm thinking of making it into an art gallery, with a ghostly chance of getting other artists to display, but I think if I do that, I would have to redesign the building for space. Plus I met someone who does this thing called.... oh hell, what did he call it? Third hand art projects? Is basically like a round robin writing exercise I used to do with friends (One person starts writing a story, the next person adds to it, a third person adds to that, and so forth) The art exercise would be with drawings instead. Sounds like fun, I'm interested in trying it. I do worry a bit about ownership, but not too much.
Don't really have much more to say.. in fact am kinda surprised I said anything at all here, as I started the blog lamenting that I don't have anything to write. So, that's about it for blogging.

SL AIDS quilt needs contributions

2009-05-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

There is an AIDS quilt being put together. If you are interested in creating a panel for it, send JoshBear Sojourner a 2m x 2m x 1m all mods panel with a limit of 12 prims and he will happily add it. I made one, and Ricardito made one, and Rammy is working on one. The Quilt will be laying horizontal, but if you want to add some 3d to it, that's acceptable.

I went online and told Joshbear that I was going to blog it. so he gave me all the information.. which I will paste here (you can receive thes instructions by clicking on one of the large red cones in the area):

Here's what you've all been wanting... the details on how to make a panel for the AIDS Memorial Quilt!
First off, let yourself be creative. I found that making a panel was good therapy for me, and a nice way to get in touch with my feelings for my friend the panel was for. Don't worry about people judging your work (unless you really want to).
Second, the panel should say the name of the person somewhere. It's not a hard requirement, but that's sort of what the whole thing is about. You can also put the name of the person in the object's name, and write a little something in the description too.
There are two main ways to make a panel. One, make an image in Photoshop or GIMP or whatever you use for textures. Upload the image and put it on the top face of a flattened cube. That's it, you're done. The other way is to use the build tools to construct a panel in 3D.
Now, the details...
1) PG only. Please don't make panels that could only be displayed in a Mature sim. 2) Panels can use up to 12 prims. They must be linked together. The root prim should be the base or frame of the panel. 3) Maximum size is X:2m, Y:2m, Z:1m. (If you go over a little in height that's ok, we just don't want things to tower over other panels.) 4) No scripts(notecard giveror one rotation ok), particles, animations, spinners, etc. LIMIT 1 SLUPTIE..NO GLOW 5) VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!Set permissions to copy/mod/trans. (Check all three boxes under Next Owner Can in the edit window.) 6) You can put a notecard in the object. We'll add a script to display the notecard when the panel is clicked. You can use the notecard to say something about your friend, write a poem, anything you like really. If you do, say "click for notecard" in the description.
When you are done, give the panel to me,Jase Byrne (drop on my av or profile).
Peace and brownies all!
Jase

Also the LM: Rainbow Fountain Estate, Hiaka (61, 158, 24) (I'm hoping this will take you there, I've never posted a SL link on internet before. if not, there are the coordinates.. I can give you a LM if you are interested.. go ahead and IM me)

This is JoshBear's home sim. He is generously using his place for this, and if you want to create a panel and need some place to do so, you can do it in the area. He says the quilt will be at Pride. On Hiaka there are some examples from years past. (Which I took a couple pics of). Also on his sim is a gay memorial and a gay history museum "on the hill" and also a shopping area, as well as his home (across the river).

I spent some time there tonight, and I thought it was worthy to spread the information.

Love and Grace

2009-04-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I got a few minutes to blog.... Not much, but, well, you know. Do what you can...
Things happen so fast, in real life and in SL. It seems that when I have an opportunity to sit down to do what I want, there's an interruption of some sort of emergency. And what happens? what has to sacrifice? More often than not, it's my own desires that I sacrifice. Does it look like I'm not busy? Does it look like I'm doing nothing? Am I needed that badly that I can't even gather my thoughts for a few seconds?
O my, I'm rereading this and it sounds like "Poor little ol' me" syndrome. That's not my intention, really. Maybe I'm having an off day and just am venting. Who cares? this is on my mind, so I'm f-ing blogging it.
If you know anything about my RL, you know that I am a married man of 36 with two children whom I love dearly. You may also know that last year I finally came out of the closet ot my wife, then my parents and siblings. This past week I hit another "milestone" if you will with coming out. I told my 10 year old son this past Monday. Cub Scouts was cancelled, but we didn't know it, so we went anyway and sat in the parking lot of the meeting place. I had been meaning to talk to him for weeks about this, but I knew it would be difficult. A few weeks ago I told him that there was a particular reason that his parents might separate and divorce, but I didn't say which. later I told him that I was meaning to tell him, but I was a little "embarrassed" about it. (Not embarrassed in the sense that I was ashamed, more like an embarrassment that he could empathize with in his pre-teen brain). On Monday I told him.
I might as well have told him that he wasn't part of the family anymore. He didn't take it well. he hasn't wanted to talk about it with me, or with his mother, or anyone. I need to give him time to get used to it. Tuesday night I had a meeting out of town, so I didn't get home until his bedtime. The first time since he could talk that he didn't say "I love you" before I closed the door. Very sad, I know.. but it didn't break my heart.
It's because I am an adult. I know he loves me if he says those three magic words or not. I will always contitnue to say "I love you" to him for several reasons. I know he needs a strong foundation in me in order for him to make this adjustment. I know that my saying it will remind me that I need to be strong for him. I also say it because it is true. I do love him, how could I not? He is a significant person in my life and will always be that.
I know he is confused. He is already becoming indoctrined in this small-minded, sheltered community in the Bible Belt, which is not what I wanted for my children. He is past the age when "I love you" meant only one thing: Real, true love. Now he is understanding that "I love you" can mean other things. It can be used as a tool to bring people together or to put a wedge between them, or it can be used in a political sense, in which two people are vying for dominance. I can mean "I lust for you"or "I respect you" or "I am dependent on you". It can be trivial. "You got us tickets to see the concert tonight? I Love you!" It can mask horror "He beats me, but he says he loves me" It is often rationed out. Can you love more than one person at once? And is that love equal in amount and depth?
My son is starting to know there are many meanings to this phrase. Gone are the true, innocent days when "I love you" only means "You are a part of me that I forever want to care for", to be replaced with the racier, faster, slicker "I love you" of the grander world.
I love my son. I always will. No matter what.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The Tower

2009-04-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

The Tower card, according to the little booklet that coomes with The Aliester Crowley's Thoth Tarot Deck says this: "Quarrel, Combat, Danger,Ruin, Destruction of plans, Ambition, Courage. Sudden Death. Escape from Prison and all it implies." This, on the onset, does not bode well for one who uncovers it. It appears that all one's plans are doomed to failure, loss of friendship, ruination. I harkens to Hurricane Katrina and Pompeii, and other natural disasters. One's gut reaction is fear and one's lasting impression might be worry and anxiety.

Looking at the card, one feels the destruction in the colors and the composition. Harsh reds and oranges stand out from distinct black, Sharp, pointed triangles forming teeth and flames devour a supposedly strong minaret while a fearful, angry eye watches in an neverending circle of destruction. The card was painted by Frieda Harris, a student of Aleister Crowley, and her entire series was exhibited in the Berkeley Galleries, 20 Davies Street, W.1 in London in July 1942.

The description of the painting follows: "Mars. Peh. Here is purification through fire, lightning, flames war. The open mouth at the base of the card alludes to the Hebrew attribution Peh meaning a mouth, the eye is the Eye of Shiva. The card is designed on the form of the carbon crystal, the figures falling from the tower ae made of carbon, the serpent on the right is the symbol of the active will to live, the dove on the left is passive resignation to death."

Mars is the guiding astrological sign for this card, as Mars is the governing body for war and destruction, and Mars is the Roman God of war (Greek Ares). In the ancient religions, War was as powerful and equal to any other natural force.

All of Ms' Harris' paintings of the Tarot are appropriate for the specific card, and The Tower is no exception. To uncover the Tower is to expect destruction and not only an end to projects, but a removal of them.

As I was driving home tonight from work, there were many controlled fires on the ranches flanking the highway. The tradition of burning fields is not a new one, the native Americans practiced this, and ecological scientists support this as it removes the old growth to allow for new growth and provides new nutrients for the soil. It seems destructive, but what it does is provide space for new constructs. It is our emotional ties that cause the dismay.

Destruction happens to all things. Nothing lives forever. Corporeal, spiritual, ideological and pedagogical routines must eventually be overturned to allow for growth. It is natural for this to happen and also inevitable. Death comes to all in Frogtown. What we must do is neither shun or be dismayed, nor should we feast in an unnatural obsession with destruction. Your house may burn down, and you may mourn that, but that's really all you can do. You pick up the pieces and move on.

Always Forgetting the Title

2009-04-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

okay, I've put it off from two blogs now.. I have a picture of my centaurian armor. Drum roll.....
In this pick I have my bow. Recently I also bought an huge double- handed sword. Have been practicing with Opacus at his home, and at Seven Islands with both the bow and the sword. I've always been a pretty good shot with the bow, and tested myself by shooting at 45 meters, which is pretty far. Unfortuneately I didn't keep score, but I did pretty good. The swordplay was new to me, and I wound up getting hit more times than hitting (it seemed). but after a while I think I got the hang of it. Still pretty green with the sword, though. Practice practice practice!

Opacus and I are really getting along fantastically, I can't believe how lucky I am to have met him! He is a greeter at Avilion, and even though I have to put a shirt on, no one has yet told me to hide my privates, (which I like to call my publics, lol). He's sweet and kind and cute and strong and imaginative and sensitive and sensible and has a great sense of humor and adventure and style and perspective.

/me smiles and is at peace.

Here's a pic of him at his post in Avilion:You can see why I'm so infatuated, right?

What Can Happen in a Week?

2009-03-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I blogged last, and I have to say that time in SL is very strange. One year is like 5 almost. One evening seems like a whole week, sometimes. It's a great way to extend one's life, lol. It's hard to imagine that I am about a one and a half years old, seeing how far I've come. I've learned a lot, experienced a lot, experimented a lot, and made many dear friends whom I never would have expected to even meet without SL. So despite the lags and rhinocerous-like inventory system some of the other pitfalls, I am very happy to have SL in my life. I do catch myself sometime in RL doing some SL stuff, like when commenting on fb or whatever, sometimes I might type "/me is happy to hear this" and expecting my name to pop up automatically, lol.

Great things have happened to me since I last blogged in. I've slowed down on club-goings recently, only attending one of Tiger's Islands after-contest parties, which turned into a Pretty in Pink theme. I haven't been to Premier for a while, or Atlantis, or IBGC, or some of the others I went to almost regularly. This leaves me a little sad, because I'm missing out on some good times with some great people. I do not want to lose touch with anyone, and I fear that may happen. I hope not. There are lots of good people.

One sad note. Aasha Aeon passed away in RL this past week. I did not know her very well, but I've met her at some of Chiaroscuro's events and still I will mourn for her. She was an artist, and her gallery is found on Sephoria. Her partner is Lorant Criss, and he is preparing a memorial service for her, sometime this next week. Greville has decided to keep her house intact as a tribute to her, which I think is a very fine idea. I wish I could have known her better.

In my last post, A Return, I mentioned that I was re-establishing my fantasical roots. I had been a satyr for a very long time, and when clubbing, I'm hooman. Lately I've dusted off the centaur av and have been doing that for a while. I mentioned the armor, which I still haven't taken a pic of for my hard drive (oy vey!) I've gone to Avilion a few more times, and the other night I discovered a very active fantasy community in The Seven Islands (Isles?, sheesh, I should take better notes), which is light rp, which I much more prefer. OCC's are fine, anachronistic talk is fine, etc. all you have to do is be playful. Seven Islands is connected to a massive fantasy continent, (guesstimating 25 sims) and I hope to do more exploring. I've met many new friends and this new arena seems to have given me a revitalization with SL. Last night I met up with Rammy and Opacus at one of the campfires there and we met many of the residences and regulars. It was a little hard, because we were trying to talk about some RL stuff, but it was excellent to meet the people too, so after juggling seven (I think that's a record for me!) IMs and keeping up with local chat which was filled with 4 different conversations, I was exhausted and a little lost, but happy.

One other thing has done the same thing. In my last post, I mentioned a cute little fae. That cute little fae has done something to me. He has stolen my heart! and I ain't pressing charges. After Rammy logged off, Opacus and I went to his new home, which still has cardboard boxes strewn aboutand looks mostly like an immense beach, and we walked around, and I carried him on a long beach run (as I was still centaur) and we reached the top of a hill. I was very tired from all the socializing earlier, but I wanted to spend some time with him alone, and this was the perfect opportunity. We held each other, and we kissed, and then....

I don't know. Maybe I was very tired from the activities. Maybe my defenses were down. Maybe I actually spoke what I felt (which is odd for me, I'm usually pretty reserved about expressing my feelings) because my new life is allowing me to enjoy myself and do for myself. I have no regrets at all. I thought that I might, Was it too soon after breaking up with Rico? What about my other friends whom I have gotten very close to? Do I really want this?

Yes. Last night Opacus and I became offical boyfriends. And my heart sings! do not know what is around the corner, not entirely sure how this come to be, but in the moment, now, Opacus is my steady, and I cannot wait to see him again!

A Return...

2009-03-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to many clubs of late. A couple here and there, but not much. Lately I've re-established some ties to my fantasy roots some. For the past week I'vebeen making armor for my centaur, and I've visited Farhaven and Avilion and Glimmer. I've been hanging out more in Chiaroscuro as well. I've rediscovered my spellfire bow, and have even thought about dusting off my old wand.

Not really sure why we do what we do, but here's a hint for mine: cute li'l blonde fae named Opacus. I met him on Chiaro maybe three weeks ago, when Iwas hanging out with a few friends. He just walked up in his gorgeous deep blue skin (from Fallen Gods, not that I'm endorsing them or anything, just if you wanted a reference.) He was so kind and sweet and unpresuming. THAT's the kinda guy for me. Not pushy in the least. Each night I've been looking to seeing him more than the next night. THAT must mean something, eh? And when I found out he was based in Avilion, I had to do some thinking: How was I to get to Avilion?

Avilion is for serious RPpers. I am not into serious RPing. I like to play with my persona, but I don't like a lot of the rules that are imposed on Rping. Like dress codes. ick.. In Avilion, everyone must wear a shirt. Uh.. ok.. I'm a satyr or a centaur, most of the time, and they don't wear clothes. But read the rules... Crap,, so I've been centaur and I put on a medieval type shirt. Looked stupid, felt constraining.. Tried another one. Nah.. I couldn't get it. So, I thought about the Narnia movies, and remembered the centaurs in those often wore armor. Hey, that'd work ok. so I went to building armor. (I'm not done.. hopefully sometime this week I'll be finished. I'll take a pic). I also went searching in some of the medieval shops for a decent shirt to wear under the armor.. I finally found one, but the polace was so laggy that I wound up buying two sets because my comp froze right after I clicked "buy" and I was so frustrated I hit the "buy" button again. Grr... fortunately it wasn't too expensive. But since I wasn't done with the armor, Opacus and I went to Avilion he in his fae outfit and me assatyr with (grr..) a shirt and pants on. I felt like a kid on school picture day, tugging on my collar and itching my pants. But I wanted to visit his home, so I did it.

Avilion is beautiful. There are many hidden corners and wide open spaces. Very romantic place. And active too. There was a drum circle going on at the time, but we avoided that,as there were some niches that Opac wanted to show me. I'll go again, I'm sure, and I want to show off my centaur armor, for def.

When does someone decide when the person they are with is the one they want to be with? I really want to know. I wasn't really looking to hitch up with anyone, but I do know I want to spend more time with Opacus.

Random Album Art

2009-03-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

Last post I put up were about odd album covers.. Currently on facebook, I got a link about creating your own random album.. I'm gonna share mine here. I'm including the entirety of the note, so you could do it yourself.. Some of the ones I've seen are pretty good.

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More... Read More”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:RandomThe first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

(regarding #4: I used Microsoft paint, as I don't really have a good photoshop program)

Here's mine:

Some of these are pretty cool.. This one is so-so. lol.. but it's totally random!

They PRODUCED these...

2009-02-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

Did you know Barry Goldwater put out an album? I'm sure you knew the California Raisins did... What were the Village people to do after A Flock of Seagulls came by? How much whipped cream does it take to cover five middle aged women? Can you think of some music to be murdered by? Are you interested in hearing about Rae Burbon's operation? Would you like to hear the addicts sing? (these would be real addicts, you know, druggies, not just a band name.) Or perhaps enjoy the tunes of the fingerless fiddler? Need some good music to break a sub-lease? How many albums DID Jack Van Impe put out? and who the hell is Little Marcy? Questions you never even thought were questions abound!

Or perhaps it's not the music that moves you, maybe its the art!

Friend of mine sent a link to some incredibly BAD album art. I shudder to think that I did actually own a couple of them... "Rappin' Rodney" and "FunFit" with Mary Lou Retton. Gah...

explore and enjoy! http://www.bizarrerecords.com/

Feeling weird, and Gunthar

2009-02-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

In every blog, I think I use the phrase "I feel weird about..." something or another. I feel weird about meeting new people. I feel weird about going to new places, I feel weird about associating with certain things. I just feel weird about everything.

So what, Leigh? you might ask (Ok, YOU might not ask, cause you're really nice, but the "you" in my head might ask this.) So what if you feel weird about going somewhere in a shiny rubber latex cat-suit. So what if you feel weird about stripping on stage? So what if you feel weird about following some soap opera that really doesn't make any sense? Get over your freaking self and just experience new things. That's why I'm on SL in the first place, isn't it? To do things that I never would think of doing in the RW, and do it anonymously.

Sorta anonymously. I have two accounts. I have Mr. Leigh Eel, who lives in a windmill in the sky and goes to clubs and meets sexy men and falls in love too easily. Leigh is living my gay lifestyle, and tries new things. I also have one alt, Gunthar. who I think I pulled out only about four times in the past year. I created him with a brand new email account so that I could try making money doing surveys and such, and then transfer the money to Leigh for his lavish lifestyle. What I learned almost right away is that is a bad idea! I spent so much time doing stupid surveys about dish detergent and Reese's Peanut butter cups, made maybe L$500 at the most, and got a mailbox stuffed full of spam. I stopped doing that. Recently I dusted Gunthar off and went inworld with him.

Leigh is sexy. He has great skin, a fine shape, and wears nice clothes. Gunthar is relatively nooblike. When I went online with him, he still had a freebie skin that looked blase and pale, home made clothes that looked like they were painted on and helmet hair. So I transferred a little money to him and got him a cheap but presentable skin, hair, outfit and ao. I've only contacted one friend, and befriended him, because I don't expect to use this account much ever. Maybe just on those few times when I really want to get away from Leigh's problems. Gunthar doesn't have much of a personality or history, because he doesn't get used often. But he still has the same typing problems.

I guess I didn't address the feeling of being weird, now did I? I think the reason I was thinking this in the first place was that I've noticed my SL activity outside of inworld. I started by reading Rammy's blog (found here) and then Igot interested in his friend's blogs, and that reached out to other areas. Now Leigh has his own myspace page and his own facebook page. And I started corresponding with Sl folk whom I've barely met (I don't think I've ever met JC in SL and he's one of my few facebook friends) and I'm following the Second Lives of people whom I've never met. And to me THAT's weird. But if they don't mind, I guess it's not really that big a deal. I love my friends, and wish them all well in everything they do, even if I do register pretty low on the radar.

So anyway. Happy Lincoln's birthday, Darwin's birthday, President's Day, Valentine's Day and Friday the 13th to everyone out there! That's weird. It's like the lesser known holiday season that you don't get time off for from work.

Also, Blogging news: I put up a new header on this blog, if you may have noticed. Or rather, I put one up, as there wasn't one before. It has the two clipart eels touching noses. What do you think? I'm not much of a graphics designer, so my blog isn't terribly snazzy. But I try.

Lydia, Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia?

2009-02-04T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. My SL and my RL took a quantum jump closer to each other a couple nights ago as I met up with a friend of mine from the old college days in SL. It seems she has been playing SL about as long as I have. Her SL name is Lydia, and her real life persona is as sweet and wonderful as anyone.

A couple of weeks ago I (the Real life I) started an account with facebook. I had an account with myspace, and it seemed to become very quiet. Some of my friends said "we're on facebook more often" so I decided to give it a spin. Iwas absolutely amazed at how easy it was to connect with old friends and classmates that I hadn't seen in decades. I quickly racked up a list of old and current friends and touched base with many from my past. On facebook right now is a popular note titled "25 things about me" in which you do just that.. write down 25 thing about yourself. One of these for me was that I play Second Life. One of my friends sent me a message stating that she does as well. After a few messages back and forth, we agreed to meet inworld.

I was rather nervous about this. When I was in college, I was studying technical theatre, and I did some acting as well. She was studying to be a stage manager, so we got toknoweach other pretty well. In fact I had asked her out on a date even, to a friend's wedding. At the time, I thought I was straight and so forth, and everyone who knew me knew me a straight. So when I agreed to meet her. I had to explain my very gay profile. And I did.

And guess what? the world didn't end. lol.. She was understanding and so forth, as a true friend can be. We talked about our real lives, our careers, and our Second Lives and we had a wonderful time chatting it up. I looked at her profile, and went to one of her Picks places, a place that sells musical instrument.. Very good ones too. I bought a guitar. After I go inworld tonight, I'll make note of which one it was and post it here, because right now I can't remember. I do recommend the place.

The next night (last night) I chose to not contact her. I felt as if my brain might short circuit with all recent floods of memories coming back on me. I sent her a message via fb about this, and she said her sentiments were the same. I guess finding me online was just as surprising for her.

Anyway. My SL is now one dimension closer to my RL, and that's weird. But there are many weird things nowadays, so I'm taking it in good course.

The Amazing Incredible Wonderous JAZZ Hall

2009-01-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

Was feeling a little exhausted last night. My Second Life has been feeling some weight upon it that just has been wearingme down quite a bit lately. Somehow, I have gotten myself interested in some weird soap opera thatis going on in the gay community of SL, and have been following all sorts of lines of interest. I have checked various blogs, and examined groups and avatar profiles and asked questions and been through some worry and intrigue and so on and so forth...

And for why? I've always been inquisitive, and I love trying to figure puzzles and riddles out. But it has been getting ridiculous the lengths that some people will go just to prove a stinking point.

So I gave it a break and I went looking for something new.

I went to Laurel Arts Isle, and was found the Sunset Jazz club, and was immediately relieved. kool music.. Sinatra and the Rat Pack, Ella Fitzgerald, Cole Porter, Mel Torme, were playing, and it was so freakin relaxing. Not techno, not classic rock, no music with an edge, just koolness.

A friend wanted me to help him out with a game he was building. I said, "Man, I just want to chill tonight. I'll help you, but do I have to get up?"

"Naw." he said.. "it's a chat game.." so he ccame by and we hung out on the couch and I was his guinea pig for his game. It was a pretty risque game, so I was a little worried that someone would complain about the language of the game, and I said so. I just found this place and I didn'twant to get banned from it right away. So we worked on his game, and then Lenny showed up.

I've known Lenny for a while now, and I really like him, but we've never hung out in a situation other than at a club where he was working, and I was grooving. Here we just hung out and talked about stuff. It was refreshing. My other friend, Tryingto, had some things to do, so he left. So itwas just Lenny and me chatting and listening to music until the end of the night when Lenny's mate came by and I had to log off for the night.

Here's a pic of me being a third wheel.

So I was wondering what to title this blog. And I thought about all the stupid soap opera hoohah going on it seems everywhere, and I was gonna title this The Amazing Incredible Wonderous Nothing, because that's all the soap opera is. But I didn't like the sound of that, gave away the story too soon. I thought of synonyms and only came up with void and emptiness. And so I went to a website for synonyms, and I searched for a synonym for void, thinking that would be the most specific there, and lo and behold, Jazz was listed as a synonym, with this as the specific definition: - empty rhetoric or insincere or exaggerated talk. And since I went to a Jazz club, it was a perfect double entendre.

I don't usually plot out the literary choices I make like this, but here it seems appropriate.

To thine own self be true

2009-01-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

Been in a Slakespearean mood:

This is from Hamlet, advice given by the doddering old rambler, Polonius, to his son Laertes.

Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

For about one day I set up on this blog a tracker, to see who came to look at the blog. and I checked in after a day, and I saw a couple people come. (Hello!) And I began thinking about why I did it in the first place. I was getting a little paranoid, and when that happens I tend to throw up barriers and walls, and other security devices. I have one of those beehive security systems for my skybox, in fact. This was after I was encased by a griefer. One incident and I set up a security system to keep people out. This was fine, keeping out griefers, but you know what? It also kept out potential friends. And the same thing is true about the blog tracker, I think...

If someone wants tolook at my blog, they are welcome to, and if they wish to leave a comment, they are welcome to do that as well. If they choose not to write a comment, they do not need to, and if they wish to remain anonymous, who am I to try to expose them? It's not a very hospitable thing to do. Anyone is welcome to visit and have their anonymity protected, just as anyone is welcome to visit my skybox at home as they wish.

I want to be a kind person, and if someone else wants to be a jerk, that shouldn't affect my actions. That is how I will try be true to myself.

So I took the tracker down out of repect to my visitors.

Travel The Globe!

2009-01-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

Rammy and I went to visit The Globe Theatre the other night, and we decided to write a review of it.. I haven't seen what Rammy has written yet, so I'm sure he had a different take of the place then me.

I had just gotten some FREE Gibson Guitars from Slexchange and was checking them each out When Rammy came by. They were nicely made, but no music installed, which was why they were free, I guess. I'm not much of a musician, but on SL I could fake it. I thought they was cool looking so I looked in my inventory for other cool stuff I had. I put on the kilt that Franzi gave me a while back, and Rammy's Jackson Pollack shirt. I topped it off with a Tricorn, and had this odd mod pirate get-up. I felt like visiting Somalia.

We looked in the search engine for the Globe Theatre and were surprised that there were four of them. So I looked at him and he looked at me and we both shrugged. "Why don't we visit all four and then write a compare and contrast review of each of them?" I said. "Great idea," he said. And like some creepy 1940s road movie, off we went, to the first one.

Teleportation complete.

We showed up and the first thing I noticed was how freakin' long it took to rez. Everything was grey. Apparantly it didn't take as long for Rammy, because he felt underdressed for the Globe. He put on a more appropriate outfit, and in we went.

It would have been breathtaking, walking into the theatre that Shakespeare created his marvelous plays. If there weren't so many signs and notices and so forth. take a look:

I'm certain they take down all these signs when there's a show. but it does kinda blow the casual viewer's experience of visiting SLakespeare's globe (see what I did there? SL-askespeare, I'm so clever :P) during the off-show times. There were hundreds of these SOS signs,which stands for Save Our Sims, and though Ifeel the sentiment, I did think these were terribly misplaced. Many of them asked for donations.

I wandered around backstage, and I could hear Rammy onstage uoting Hamlet, which was neat. I've been in one Shaksepeare play, Measure for Measure, and have worked on many others in my RL theatre experience, but I have a terrrible time remembering any of the lines at any particular time.

I wanted to see what the house was like, so I attempted to enter one of the box seats. This was a Herculean task, for as I tried, suddenly I was on the edge of the sim, uncontrollably walking. This is when Rammy discovered that the theatre actually sat on the corner of four sims, which makes sense as far as keeping the lag down, spreading it amongst the four sims. But in such a laggy place regardless, I went a-walkin. Also at this discovery, we realized we didn't have to review four different Globe Theatres and I was very happy about that prospect.

Eventually we got into some seats and looked at the stage from the audience's perspective. All in all, it looks like the place works, but it was so laggy that we didn'twant to spent too much more time there exploring what else the sims had to offer. Earlier that day they held auditions, (for which show? I'm not sure...) and they must have recently put on Twelvth Night, jusging from all the posters. We both joined the group to await the notice of the next play. I hope they move all the signs..

Afterwards, we went to AM Radio's The Wheat Field, http://slurl.com/secondlife/Dreamworld%20North/241/134/22/ and later I took Rammy to see AM's exhibit at the University of Kentucky called Beneath The Thinking Tree, which Tiffy told me about a while back. http://slurl.com/secondlife/University%20of%20KY/112/62/811, but the link seemed to be broken, orthe exhibit was taken down, so we spent the time wandering around the air. Rammy got an IM from his friend Doug, whom he invited, but apparantly Doug was busy. I met him once, and would have liked to see him again, but if he was busy, he was busy, what can you do...?

(NOTE: The events that are portrayed in this post Actually happened yesterday, Sat Jan 24. The events portrayed in the previous post, Cat Scratch Fever, odccured Friday, Jan 23. I posted both tonight, because they were starting to pile up, I've got another one that I have to finish, but it doesn't have anything to do with events that happen at any particular time, so I can throw it in anytime. )

Cat Scratch Fever

2009-01-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.. Been itching for a new thing lately. Or an old thing that's been ignored, p'haps.

When you log in, you appear the way you did the last time you logged out. There have been plenty of times I log in with my cock hanging out, proud as Mary cause I didn't put 'er away the night before. Not so much embarrassing, unless you forget to set you login location to home as well..

Tonight I appeared in neko. Couldn't remember for the life of me why. I know it was late, and I was getting a little punch-drunk. I do remember we were sitting around the campfire switching av's last night... I must have put my neko outfit on.

Now there are some dedicated nekos out there.. and you gotta have the right mindset to do it. Since I was in the mood to try something new, and I already had the av on, I decided to go neko tonight, to you know, see how it fit me.

I contacted Spanki and asked for some advice, and because I keep peanut butter in my ears, I forgot to write the advice down.. but it went something like this.. "They are independant and dependant... and---, um... er.."

aw hell, 'scuse me while I log in real quick to check...

/me logs in

Well, fook. I don't have it saved. Well it was really good advice, nice and concise.

about being independant and dependant and loving a good scratch, and umm... stuff...

So I went to a place called Mig's, where I found a nice area to curl up and sleep for a bit. I batted at some reeds, and mrowed some.. Spanki was there in IM as my neko advisor, and we talked about pets and stuff. I found a dance area that was streaming some poppy music and a couple others were there... I danced some, but then I soon got bored. So I went to another place that was in the search engine under "neko". It was a Japanese looking place, very pretty. I found a tai chi spot and spent some time there. After a little while I decided that that was enough of that and I wandered around a little more. Found a handy place to relieve myself in this Japanese garden, and when the owner of the sim came by, I thought maybe I had better skeedaddle.

Not sure if I'm neko material.. won't give up the ship yet, cause I did find this real interesting feather on a string that did keep me busy for hours, and after that I fell asleep.

Trust me.

2009-01-21T14:40:00.000-08:00

Trust is the father of risk. I don't know if that's an actual quote. It could be, though, it's got all the right parts. It's short, punchy, colorful, relative, and personified. It also has a subject that is universal. Whether it is accurate remains to be seen

Everyone deals with issues of trust. Who does one trust, how does one gain trust, when is trust broken? Questions that are always different in every circumstances.. Is like a river, always the same, always different.

There are a few people I truly trust, I have known them and believe that they are not out to do me harm. There are a few people whom I do not trust... they have proven themselves to cause me harm in one way or another in the past and have no intentions of righting that harm. There is the vast majority of people whom I do not either trust or distrust, some of whom I have interacted with, some of whom I don't even know exist.

I like to think of myself as a risk-taker. In Tarot, I am almost always 0 The Fool, ready to jump blindly into the next situation, knowing full well that there will be perils and pleasure. For me to take a risk, I must first feel confident that the reason for taking the risk is beneficial. Why take a risk if there is no chance for gain? If there is something to gain, take the risk. If there's nothing to gain, skip it, it's not worth your while. But for the unknown benefits... that's where the trust comes in..

I trust my friend Rammy. When I met him the other day, I took a certain risk, (which I shall not reveal) and he responded in a way that in itself was similarily risky, and I think we both benefitted.

So is trust the father of risk? I think perhaps it is not the father, but maybe, ummm.. a guardian, or an overseer of risk. The cultivator?

I talked to my friend at work the other day about friendship. I think I clarified friendship well enough for me, if there is doubt. A friend will listen to your problems, may or may not judge, may or may not try to solve. Doesn't matter. more importantly, will share his (or her) problems with you. That is how I am to gauge whether a person is a friend or not. If they listen to my problems, yet do not trust me enough to tell me theirs, there is some sort of agenda going on... If they tell me their problems yet don't listen to mine, they are attention vampires. A strong friendship has balance on both sides, whether is a minor friendship or a major one.

And that's what I have to say about that right now.

Check it check it check it!

2009-01-19T20:21:00.001-08:00

Earworm songs

free music downloads music videos lyrics

Earworm's the best! Always looking for innovative music.. let me know please!

Car Rides and an Answer to an Age Old Question

2009-01-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was going to go to tainted boys club bacause it was Saturday and most of their scheduled events are at 12 noon SL, (which is 2 CST) when I am at work during the rest of the week. When I first looked at their schedule, I was kinda confused. But then I realized it was run by and attended mostly by Europeans, and so it made sense. Anyway, the only day I can go is Satuday, so that's what I intended to do. The theme of the day was "bad taste"... I decided to skip that part and just go and have fun.

Well, I got to the mall outside the shop when Rammy IMmed me.. I was hoping to hear from him, so I started chatting with him, and I guess we chatted for a good long time, because when I checked the minimap, I saw there was only two other avs in the area... everyone else had left. I had totally missed the party. Ah, well, I woulda rather chatted with Rammy anyway. So I was standing there, and a British vehicle called a MINI pulled up, and the driver asked if I wanted a ride. This took me by surprise, as I didn't recognize the driver. "I'm not a woman." The driver said, "even if I look like one."

"You look like a little car," sez I.

"lol, hop in."

So I didn't know what to do. I didn't know this person, and my RL cautions were about to take over, but then I thought, "what's the worse thing that could happen, I'll get raped?" More risks for Leigh. I hopped in and went into mouselook, and looked at the driver. Ah, a woman.. that's why he said that.

"I'm not a woman" he repeated. "I'm wearing this because of the party we just had" (jsyk: I am paraphrasing... these are not his exact words). Ah, the bad taste party... How this was in bad taste, I don't know, cause I wasn't there. "I'll switch back" he said, and thusly swutch back as promised. He was cute.

It was a British car, but I, the passenger was on the right side, which was opposite from British cars, as I understand. Had I not been white-knuckled from the insane way this guy was driving, and hanging onto the panic bar I might have questioned it. We drove everywhere on the mall, and I mean EVERYwhere. on the sidewalks, smashing into other cars, over the fountain, and even in the tree once. Thank god for roll bars. We ended up in the dance club, where he was having trouble doing a three-point turn-around to get out. I said thanks for the ride, and didn't know what to do next. My legs were a little liquidy, and I had banged my head once on the window. I was generally okay, though. He hopped into his 1957 silver and green convertible Bel-air. Now I gotta say, this is one car that will make me cream my pants. I'm not a car buff, but I LOVE the Bel-air. I have wet dreams about them. He asked me in again, and between my drools, I got in, and we drove around the mall some more, but this time I didn't notice his reckless driving skills. I was wondering what he wanted from me. Was he picking me up? or was he just being genuinely friendly?

I checked his profile out. Adonis was his name, and he was co-owner of tainted-boys. I thought this was strange, as I hadn't met him before, and he was inviting me in his cars and such. I knew he had just gotten married to the other owner, trace17, just the previous weekend, because I had gotten a notice of it via the blue notes. He showed me another car, a beemer, and I started thinking he just liked showing off his cars. He asked me what I was doing there. I told him I intended an going to the party, but had gotten distracted. I told him how I found the sim by looking for Lenny and GG's shop a couple weeks ago. He took me over to the shop, which I had already located, but I went along anyway. We both agreed that Lenny is a very good guy. I don't think anyone anywhere would disagree with that. and then I asked him about the wedding. He absolutely glowed talking about trace and the whole ceremony and so forth, and he started rezzing boxes to show me pics. I said he should put them in a scrap-book, when he pulled one out and started flipping the pages. It looked like a beautiful wedding, every one looked very happy. The reception was in the clouds and there was a monstrous swan.

This was one of those moments when you might think, "how long am i gonna look at these photos?" and I was thinking of making a exit when he asked me: "Are you an elf?" I thought this question was non sequiter, but I explained, that no, I was a satyr, dressed as human. He was unfamiliar with the word, so I said faun. "Ah ha," he said. "What does a faun do?"

This brings up a question that I hadn't really had an answer to before.. what'sthe difference between a faun and a satyr? many people have different answers, but during this little conversation with Adonis, I think I came up with a satisfactory answer.

Without missing a beat, I answered. "I fuck around." which is pretty true.

I've been kinda a slut lately, but that's ok with me. Hope it's ok with you. I don't consider myself a faun. To me, a faun skips around, playing pipes, and makes chains of flowers. A satyr is more carnal and would rather stick his cock into anything that has a hole than weave a daisy chain (unless it's the OTHER type of Daisy chain....). Not that I don't like music and pretty flowers.. I do. I have a banjo that I pull out from time to time. But generally my modus operandi seems to be to spew cum.

Hmm... I am pretty slutty..... Is that what I want from my SL experience? Seems I have to do some figuring out of stuff 'n' stuff.

Non SL link

2009-01-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... not long windy blog about whatever ridiculousness is on my mind...

I found a forum website that I have been reading, and it's right up my alley.

http://gayfatherhood.com/ and in the blogiverse: http://gayfathers.blogspot.com/

(there's a really good video posted on the blog dated Thursday, January 15, 2009. It's a lecture given by Dr. John Corvino. He beautifully articulates why being gay is not morally wrong.)

(Ummm... picture picture.... ummm.. /me looks through my files... Ah ha! here's a picture!)

Hee hee hee, some of my friends at work....

Later Taters!

Leigh

False alarm

2009-01-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

7:00 pm (Central) I'm feeling a little odd about tonight. I haven't logged on yet, but something doesn't feel quite right... Yesterday I posted a monstrous, cathartic blog about my year 2008 on SL, and then when I logged on, I had some really fun times.. I met up with Rammy, Deliciousdemon, and Naedani, and later Ricardito, and we had centaur races. Del on Naedani and Rammy on me. Nae and Del won, but that's only because of the slippery mud near the pond! Afterwards we made a campfire and I played banjo, when Inuchian came by with his accoustic guitar and then he brought out his piano later. He plays beautifully... The Purple Beany also showed up, but he kept crashing so much I'm surprised his computer's still in one piece.

I think I will say a little prayer for the Purple Beany's computer....

(quiet time)

Later I met up with a variety of old friends and we talked...and stuff. And it was all-in-all a good night..So I wonder why I feel odd about tonight? We'll see....

(after logging off)

I guess it was nothing. I met up with Del andwetalked some.. and then headed out to Premier, the theme for the night was cowboys, and that'sone of my favorites, so we danced. DJ Mirah played an awesome country set, and I joined her group. I dumped Slade/Studios Multimedia, cause I never go there, even though they promise good music. I IMmed with Nae for a good long time, about what love is and what must bedone for love, and Del had to leave. So after the party, I went home and contacted some friends, whom I hadn't seen since before New Years. Then I met Beany and Del again...

Nothing major. Don't know why I felt odd about tonight. Pretty ordinary night. Well, I had fun, anyway. I really like Premier club, there's a good feeling about the place. LOL, course if my indication of dread means anything, it probably means that Premier is rather ordinary...

(Totally kidding, I like the place..)